


Shelter

by lasvegas_lights



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, M/M, Minor Character Death, Psychic Abilities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-04 05:56:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/707303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lasvegas_lights/pseuds/lasvegas_lights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen carries a powerful secret, one that forced him to run away from home and live a life of solitude in the forest. His only company is his dog Sadie and JD, who brings him supplies once a week. His quiet, drama free existence is shattered by Jared, a man unable to come to terms with the loss of his brother, the only family he had. Out in the woods they find each other, and it's only with each other’s help that they learn to heal, and find something neither of them expected along the way</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shelter

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the 2010 J2 Big Bang on Livejournal. This is the beginning of posting all my fics over here. As this is the first time posting a fic on AO3, I hope you'll tell me if i've done something wrong. I hope you like!  
> Read the end notes to explain the references to non-con

 

 

Jared sucks in a deep breath and lets it go a moment later, able to see it in the cold mountain air. It’s late enough in the summer that the arboreal forest has faded to a dark army green, ready to turn to bright oranges and reds. The large expanse of woodland is mostly empty of hikers and campers, leaving it blissfully calm save for the birds and the wild animals, which he hopes like hell not to encounter. 

Reaching for the box on the passenger seat, he slides out of his truck and slams the door behind him. He keeps the box clasped tightly in one hand as he circles the truck and lifts out a rucksack from the truck bed. Carefully, he pushes the box into the bag so that it’s resting on top of Jared’s extra sweater. After the bag is securely fastened, he turns to face the forest and the journey in front of him. He can feel the compass in his front pocket pushing against his thigh, and the route he’s taking had been carefully plotted out on the map he bought in town the day before, but being prepared isn’t the same as being ready. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready, but if he doesn’t do this now, he’ll never do it. He made a promise, and he can’t back out now.

 He crosses the deserted road without even looking for any oncoming traffic and enters the forest.  Two trees, which are so tall Jared can’t see the top of them, stand either side of him like giant gate posts and he runs his fingertips over the rough bark he passes. 

Twigs and leaves crunch sharply under his walking boots as he moves deeper into the woods until his view is filled with trees, blocking out the light and towering over him like natural skyscrapers. He’s never been claustrophobic, and instead of fear, he feels a sense of calm spread through him, as he’s finally cut off from the noise and stress of civilisation. A couple of hours later he enters a small clearing and quickly rests his aching feet on a large rock which sticks out of the ground at an odd angle. The sun is hot against the back of his neck as he gulps down some water.  The liquid soothes his chapped lips and dry throat, and he quiets his grumbling stomach with half a granola bar. Reaching into his pack, he pulls out the map and double checks he’s still going the right way, knowing how easy it is to get turned around in the thick forest. After fifteen minutes he pushes himself to his feet and continues on. He still has a long way to go, and he doesn’t want to be wandering around a strange forest at night. 

Once again, he finds himself cocooned in the woods, the silence almost deafening, and Jared finds himself calling out to the trees to make sure his hearing still works. The trees return his call, echoing

his own words back at him. The deeper into the forest he travels, the more he finds himself retreating into his own mind. He puts one foot in front of the other almost unconsciously, the overwhelming silence forces memories forwards, and even the happy ones add a weight to his chest. The further away from everything he gets, the more his own thoughts chase him. He nearly stumbles over a fallen log as he succumbs to a barrage of memories, and he can do nothing but let them come, and to try and understand what his mind is telling him.  

_1988_

_Jared clutches to the hem of his brother’s t-shirt and doesn’t let go, no matter how many times the social worker tries to pry them apart. He wants his mom, and not all these strangers who keep standing over him and looking at him with sad eyes. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, and the only thing keeping him from starting a tantrum is Jeff’s hand on his shoulder, warm and clammy against  Jared’s skin._

_For months he asks where mom and dad are but Jeff never answers him, and he ends up crying himself to sleep most nights. Sometimes Jeff slips into bed beside him and tells him stories about magical wizards and pirates finding treasure, not stopping until the tears are replaced with hitched breaths. He wakes up with sleep encrusted eyes, the skin still tight from his tears. Jeff walks into the bathroom and returns with a warm wet flannel. Jared’s wide eyed and smiling by the time they go downstairs for breakfast._

_It’s his brother who reads him books before bed and helps him get dressed in the morning. It’s Jeff who draws pictures with him, never teasing him about his very abstract act like the other kids do. When Jared trips over his own big feet, Jeff helps him to his feet and stays with him until he has a band aid over the small cut and a lollipop in his mouth. It’s Jeff who walks him to big school for the first time, and protects him from the bigger kids who tease him and call him names he doesn’t really understand._

_When Jared is ten, he breaks his leg trying to escape out the window of their fourth home in two months. He doesn’t like being forced to eat cabbage and being made to go to bed at eight o’clock. Jeff brings Jared library books to pass the time and sneaks candy into the house for them to share after lights out._

_They move around so much that neither has the chance to make any friends. Sometimes the families they stay with have kids the same age, and it’s hard to leave when the family doesn’t want them anymore, but most of the time it’s just Jared and Jeff, facing the world together. Once, they’re offered places in separate homes and it’s the worst month of Jared’s life. There’s no-one to protect him from the bullies at school, or to help him with his homework. He tries to run away, sneaking out the back door while his foster parents are fighting. His sole mission to find Jeff ends a few hours later, lost and alone at the side of a busy road. When the cop drives him home, his foster parents didn’t even realise he’s been missing._

_Two months after Jared turns fourteen, Jeff turns eighteen. He takes full custody of Jared, and together they finally leave the care system. Jeff finds a job cleaning at a local factory, and they find a small basement apartment near Jared’s school. Jared runs home from school every day and rushes through his home work so he has time to make them both their usual canned soup or spaghetti dinner, which is always ready when Jeff walks through the door, his shoulders slumped and his eyes tired. Jeff takes evening classes in mechanics, and once dinner is cleared up, Jeff is out the door again. Sometimes Jared spends his evening at the Laundromat, reading a book from the library as their clothes spin round hypnotically, other times he just sits in their apartment, finishing one of the other books he checked out a couple of days earlier._

_Jared orders one ticket for his graduation, and his eyes instantly find Jeff as he goes up to get his high school diploma. Jeff whistles and claps and whoops louder than all the parents combined, and Jared finds himself clutching the paper certificate a little tighter, and smiling until his cheeks hurt. They celebrate by going out to dinner at a local diner. They both have a giant burger and chips, and a chocolate milkshake which goes down quickly. They take two slices of apple pie home with them, which they eat in front of the TV._

_Jeff teaches Jared all he knows about mechanics, and he gets a job as a trainee at the garage Jeff works at. The pay is awful and he’s given all the scut work, but he gets to spend the whole day with Jeff, which more than makes up for it. The other mechanics don’t really understand the relationship he has with his brother. They tell stories about the pranks they play on their younger sibling,s and Jared’s glad he and Jeff aren’t  like that. Jeff sees the relief in Jared’s eyes and pats him on the back, chuckling slightly. The return home, both covered in sweat and grease, and play ‘rock paper scissors’ to see who gets the shower first. Jared almost always wins, and Jared knows Jeff lets him win .Jared hates having to go second and feeling the water grow cold the longer he stays under the spray._

_He’d realised in his final year at high school that none of the girls put butterflies in his stomach, yet the quarterback made his legs turn to jelly. Though he normally tells Jeff everything, it takes him a couple of years to admit the truth. Jeff’s surprised at first, his mouth open and closing like a fish, unable to speak. A couple of hours later Jeff finds him a curled up on his bed listening to emo music . Jeff hugs him tightly and that’s all Jared needs to know that he’s been accepted. The upside to Jeff knowing is that he stops trying to set Jared up with slutty girls he’s met at a bar, the downside is he teases Jared about it every time a guy walks past. When Jared first gets a boyfriend, Jeff’s teasing ceases, and they have one of the most embarrassing conversations Jared can remember, standing in the condom aisle of the local drugstore. The relationship doesn’t last long, and Jeff comforts Jared the best he can, with pizza and beer, letting actions speak louder than any meaningless platitudes._

*********

 

The loud shriek from a bird pulls him out of his reverie and he jerks in surprise. His left foot lands on rotten wood, and he slips forwards as the wood crumbles beneath his foot. He reaches out for a nearby branch to steady himself, but it snaps under his weight and he lurches sideways. His eyes widen as he starts sliding down the incline. He trips and falls, tumbling head over heels downwards. In his mind, everything is happening in slow motion and his hands are too clumsy and slow to grab hold of something, anything. His eyes slam shut as he hits rock and wood on the way down. The rucksack is ripped from his back and tumbles down the slope beside him. Jared rolls twice more, before landing supine on the forest floor. A rock digs into his lower back and a sharp pain wraps around his chest every time he breathes. His head hurts, and when he lifts his arm he sees blood. Everything hurts, and he lets out a pathetic whimper as he tries to move. He gives up quickly and sags back down to the hard ground. His eyes blur and he blinks slowly as he searches for his bag. His eyes finally land on the bag, lying to his right, and he relaxes slightly knowing the box is safe.  The bag’s opened in the fall and the box sits half outside the bag on its side, scuffed and muddy, but in one piece. He stretches out his right arm towards the box, but it’s just out of reach, the tips of his fingers, scratched and dirtied, barely graze the polished wood.   

 

_Four months ago._

_Jared wraps both hands around the paper cup, warming his fingers on the cooling coffee inside. He paces up and down the corridor, nearly colliding with nurses as they rush from room to room. His whole body feels heavy, and he’s been running on fumes for days now. He’s tired. Tired of going home to an empty apartment and working extra long shifts to make up the money for the rent, only to head straight back to the hospital as soon as his shift ends. He’s tired from the heavy weight on his broad shoulders; unable to share it with the one person in his life he can turn to, knowing his brother is carrying even an heavier weight on his own shoulders. He’s tired of the same answers from the doctors, the sad eyed nurses, and the crappy tasting coffee. He’s tired because he hasn’t slept properly in months, and has no idea when that will change._

_His head snaps up as the door at the end of the hallway opens. The doctor meets his gaze as Jared quickly bridges the gap between them._

_“Well?”_

_The doctor sighs the way only a doctor can, “A day or two, a week at the most....I’m sorry.”_

_It’s not new information, but it still overwhelms Jared. His hand shakes as he runs it through his greasy hair. “I have to....” Jared doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say._

_“Is there anyone you want us to call?”_

_Jared shakes his head, “No...no, it’s just us.”_

_The doctor’s lips press together tightly, “We’ll keep him comfortable. He won’t be in any pain, I promise.”_

_Jared nods dumbly. The doctor slides by him and Jared listens to his shoes on the linoleum as he walks away. Finally, he pushes the door open and steps into his brother’s room. It smells sterile and Jared’s empty stomach turns. He takes a sip of the lukewarm coffee to try to settle his stomach._

_“You just going to stand there?” Jeff croaks weakly._

_Jared looks to his brother guiltily and quickly moves to the chair. His brother’s face is paler than the sheets that cover him, apart from the dark purple half moons underneath Jeff’s eyes, and his bald head stopped being a shock a long time ago.  He’s attached to so many tubes and wires, though Jared doesn’t know what they’re all for. All he knows is that they’re not doing enough, just palliative treatment, just making the inevitable painless._

_There’s a lump in Jared’s throat, and he tries to swallow, but it refuses to go away. “The doctor told me...”_

_“Yeah...I know.” Jeff’s fingers trace the IV in his arm as his eyes avoid Jared’s. “I’m sorry.”_

_Jeff’s apology is ridiculous, and Jared can’t help but bark out a hollow laugh. “God Jeff, don’t apologise, please don’t apologise.” His throat constricts tightly, painfully, and he bites his lip._

_“Jared....Jay...”_

_“Don’t, please,” Jared shakes his head. He’s still not ready for goodbyes._

_“I didn’t want to leave you all alone like this...that’s why I’m sorry.”_

_“It’s cancer,” Jared says, even though neither needs a reminder. “You can’t control it anymore than you can control the weather”_

_“I know,” Jeff sighs. “I wish I knew you were ...going to be okay.”_

_“I will...you know I will.” Jared reaches over the bed and wraps his hand around Jeff’s frail wrist. “I promise you, I’m going to be okay.” It’s hard to speak, hard to make such a promise, when all he wants to do is curse the world for taking away the only person that means anything to him, leaving him all alone._

_“You should go to college... I know you can do more than fix cars.”_

_“With what money?” Jared reminds him. Jeff’s been telling Jared to go to college since he left high school, but there’s no way they can afford it, not even if they scraped all their money together, worked overtime, and skipped meals. Jared gave up on the idea of college a long time ago._

_Jeff sighs but doesn’t press the matter. “Do you remember when dad took us ...camping? It must have been... only a couple of months before the car accident.” Jeff’s forced to suck in oxygen between words._

_Jared shakes his head. He barely remembers the accident, let alone anything before it. The stress and trauma of it all were blocking any memories he had of his parents, and it hurts that Jeff has memories that he doesn’t. He looks at photos of them, but can’t connect their faces with anything._

_“We went up into the mountains....Dad found this lake, middle of...nowhere, absolutely silent, just you, me, and him for... three days.”_

_Jared willed his brain to remember until it ached. “I don’t remember.”_

_“I was so happy, so content...I don’t think I've been as happy as I was then.”_

_“You never told me that before.”_

_“No,” Jeff shakes his head. “Guess I didn’t,” he says, not offering up an explanation as to why. “Jared...I want you to take me there, when I...“  Neither of them can say the D word yet. “I scribbled down the coordinates in my diary. I want you to scatter my ashes there.”_

_“Jeff,” Jared croaks, unable to stop the tear from escaping from his eye._

_“Promise me you’ll take me to the lake.”_

_Jared doesn’t say anything for a long time, his throat too tight to form words. He wishes he could scream and shout, and tell the world it isn’t fair. Why is it taking his brother, when it’s already taken his parents? Hasn’t he lost enough?  Finally he nods. “Yeah, I promise.” He whispers._

 

Jared whimpers as more pain shoots through his body when he tries to reach for the box once again. His eyelids grow heavy, and no matter how much he tries to resist it, he can feel his body shutting down.  “Jeff,” He gasps out, his throat dry and cracked. The final thing he sees before he slips into unconsciousness is the box.                       

 

***********

 

Jensen doesn’t have an alarm clock, hasn’t needed one in years, not since Sadie came into his life. Sadie bounds into his bedroom and jumps up onto the bed like clockwork, just after seven. She pushes her face into Jensen’s and runs her wet tongue up Jensen’s cheek, until Jensen pushes her away with sleep clumsy movements. Sadie huffs warm breath against his skin, and drops back down to the floor. 

“I’m up, I’m up!” he swipes the back of his hand over his cheek to wipe away the slobber, and pulls himself into a sitting position. He glares at Sadie through narrow slits. “You wouldn’t like it if I drooled all over you.”

Sadie barks a reply, her tail whipping from side to side excitedly. That tail is a lethal weapon, and Jensen has the bruises to prove it. Sadie’s the only woman in Jensen’s life, the only woman Jensen allows in his bed, ever since she came into his life as an over-exuberant puppy. 

She’d been a present a year after he’d moved to the forest, and they’d been inseparable ever since.

Five years ago

“That everything?” Jensen wipes the back of his hand over his sweat damp forehead and rests against the doorpost. His muscles ache from carrying the gas canisters from the back of the truck to the shed. If he has to carry one more canister, he swears his arms will fall off. 

JD appears from behind the truck and grins at Jensen. JD had entered his life a year ago, when he first moved to the woods. Technically, Jensen had entered JD’s life when he’d realised he needed someone to bring him regular food supplies from town. JD, looks younger than his forty four years, always looks relaxed, no matter what. Full of charm and smiles, broad shoulders and perfect posture, he treats Jensen like an old friend, not a casual acquaintance he meets once a week. 

 “What?” 

“There’s something in the cab for you,” JD nods his head towards the truck cab, his grin widening. 

Jensen pushes away from the threshold and steps cautiously towards the passenger side of the truck. He can feel JD behind him, watching him as he yanks open the door. He blinks twice, wordless, as his eyes fall on a small bundle of fur curled up into a ball on the seat. 

“That’s for me?” Jensen would’ve remembered if he’d asked for a puppy.

“Lucy gave birth a few weeks ago,” JD steps up behind him. “Three girls, three boys. The others have already been snatched up, but I saved this little one for you”

“Why?”  Sometimes it feels like JD is still a stranger to him. The time they’ve spent with each other is short, and their conversations have been kept to the weather and sport. Fifteen minutes later, Jensen hands him a new shopping list and they part ways. That’s the way it’s been since day one. Then there are the other times, rare moments when JD manages to surprise Jensen completely. 

 “Thought you could use a little company. I’d go crazy, alone in the woods for so long.”

Jensen stares at the sleeping puppy for a long time, watching its chest rise and fall slowly. It’s obviously a cross breed, but a cross of what, Jensen has no idea. It may be calm and sleeping now, but Jensen can tell it’ll be a handful, a bundle of energy ready to be let loose on Jensen’s house. Jensen can already picture the ripped couch cover and failed toilet training.  Looking down at the sleeping puppy in front of him, he hasn't realised how lonely he’s been.  He tips his head thoughtfully; maybe JD had noticed.

“I’m not going to take no for an-“

“I’ll take her,” Jensen replies quickly, cutting JD off. He reaches down and wraps his large hands around the small body. The puppy wakes sharply and wriggles in his grip, yapping happily in Jensen’s ear. JD’s right, he has been feeling lonely, and giving him something to focus on will make sure he focuses less on other things. 

“She needs a name,” JD reminds him. 

Jensen nods. He’s got time to come up with the right name. “Hey, JD?”

JD’s eyes glitter knowingly, “I’ll add dog food to the shopping list.”

Present Day

Sadie barks at him as Jensen swings his legs over the side of the bed and presses his bare feet down onto the rug. Stepping over Sadie, he pads into the en suite and closes the door behind him. After Sadie made a couple of attempts to join him in the shower, Jensen had learnt to close the door behind him. He stays under the spray until the water starts to run cold and his fingers wrinkle. 

His hand reaches out of the shower door and he grabs hold of a clean towel off the rack. He pats himself dry, slings the damp towel around his neck, and pads back into his bedroom naked. Living alone in the middle of nowhere has its advantages.  

His home could charitably be described as rustic, not that anyone but JD has ever seen the place to describe it. It’s warm and cosy, but filled with only the basics; a bed, an open plan kitchen and living area, and a bathroom. The bed is his favourite, made with his own hands out of local wood. Before moving to the forest he’d never made anything himself, but he began to love the feel of fresh wood under his hands, patiently creating the simple but beautiful furniture that now fills every room. 

The house itself stands in a small clearing. A single dirt track leads away from the cabin and towards the road, which in turn leads into the town fifteen miles away. It’s the seclusion that made him choose the location, the quietness. There are no trains speeding past his bedroom every ten minutes, no police sirens, no honking horns or noisy neighbours. It’s complete and utter peace and quiet. A haven that he treasures. 

He hears the familiar rumble of JD’s truck pulling up to the house as he yanks a shirt down over his head. He waits, breathes in and out for a minute, before making his way downstairs to Sadie barking manically at the door. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jensen pads over to the door and pulls it open. He’s never had any real reason to lock the door at night, considering he’s miles from anywhere. As soon as there’s enough of a gap, Sadie charges out of the door and down the dirt track to JD’s truck. JD chuckles as Sadie runs dizzying circles around his legs, more than used to her excitement. 

Jensen slips his feet into a pair of worn boots and makes his way out into the crisp morning air. It’s the scent of the fresh pine forest that makes him fall in love with his home every day, the unpolluted air that fills his lungs, and the absolute quiet. 

“Morning,” JD greets, and Jensen’s eyes snap to his as he folds his arms across his chest. 

Jensen nods, “You’re early.” It’s not an accusation, just an observation. 

“You’re not the only recluse I deliver to,” JD teases. He pulls a handful of crumpled paper out of his pocket, and goes through them until he finds the right one, which Jensen recognises as last week’s shopping list. 

“You got everything?” Jensen asks the same question every week, and every time JD never fails to bring him everything on the list...and sometimes things he didn’t ask for. 

JD nods, nudges Sadie out of his path, and makes his way to the back of the truck. Jensen follows and starts lifting bags out. He tucks one paper bag under his arm, resting it on his hip, and loops his hand around the handles of a canvas bag. He heads back into the house with them and leaves them on the kitchen table, ready to be emptied later. JD appears a moment later with two more bags, just as Jensen leaves to go get more. There are only a couple of bags that are marked as his; he doesn’t really need a lot in the space of a week. It’s mostly dog food, bread and milk. 

“Got something else for you,” JD says when Jensen arrives back with the last two bags. 

“Not another puppy, I hope.”

JD grins and pulls a folded up newspaper from his inner jacket pocket, holding it out towards Jensen. 

The words ‘Psychics march in DC’ are staring back at him in thick black letters. “There’s a reason why I never put a newspaper on my shopping list.” Jensen says quietly, but takes the paper anyway. 

“I don’t know how you can do it, being so cut off from the world.”

“It’s better for everyone,” Jensen sighs as he reaches for the new list on the counter. He presses the crisp white paper into JD’s worn, calloused hand. “See you next week.”

“That you will,” JD wants to push the subject, hoping for more from Jensen than just ambiguous responses for once, but he already knows he won't ever get them.  The shopping list is shoved into his back pocket as he turns to leave, stopping once to pat Sadie goodbye. Jensen doesn’t move from his spot until he hears the deep rumble of the truck’s engine fade away. 

He puts the supplies away slowly and carefully, one tin and one packet at a time, until the bags are empty.  Turning to the coffee machine, he flicks the on switch, and it hisses to life as he fills Sadie’s bowl. The hot coffee drips slowly into his mug, and his eyes can’t help but drift to the folded up newspaper sitting on the side. JD’s always brought him newspapers. Sometimes he’ll bring one every week and sometimes none for two months. Sometimes Jensen accepts the newspaper, and other times it returns to town with JD. Any that do stay with him end up being used to help light the fire, usually unread. 

When the last drop of coffee falls into the mug the machine beeps loudly, jerking Jensen from his thoughts. He lays his hand on the paper and pushes it off the counter, letting it fall into the newspaper basket at his feet. 

As he lifts the mug to his lips, a wave of emotion hits him without warning. It hits him like a truck, and the mug falls from his hands, smashing into pieces on the tiled floor and spilling hot liquid everywhere. His hand flies to his chest as it tightens painfully. Unable to stop himself crying out, his legs give way, sending him crashing to the floor like his mug. Everything hurts, his head, his legs, his back, and his eyes slam shut tightly. His hands ball up into tight fists as he feels something else, deep down underneath the aches and shooting pains. It’s grief, pure unadulterated grief, like nothing he’s ever felt before, and a tear rolls down his cheek, opening the flood gates for more. 

He’s blinded so much by the overdose of emotions that he doesn’t even remember to grab a jacket before he’s stumbling out of the house, leaving the front door wide open. Sadie runs after him, barking madly, like she knows her owner is in pain, and the noise slams into his head, turning the growing headache into a full on migraine. He wipes at his wet cheeks with the back of his hand and surges forward, tripping over his own feet twice. It’s been so long since he’s felt like this, felt so out of control, and his whole body shakes uncontrollably. It’s more than he can handle and it’s tearing him apart. 

The pain increases as he gets closer to the source, and there’s nothing he can do but try and breathe deeply to suppress the overflow of emotions surging through him. It’s not working, he’s out of practise. He stumbles over twigs, only just keeping himself upright, and he shivers uncontrollably as he lets the emotions direct him forward. Suddenly the pain fades away to nothing, the overwhelming sadness vanishes, and it leaves Jensen feeling hollow. 

He stops at the steep bank ahead of him and tries to get his breath back. His mouth is dry and tastes bitter from the adrenaline. He rests one hand on the trunk of a tree and tips his head back, his eyes sliding shut for a moment. In that moment his legs give way, and he falls to the forest floor, balling his hands into tight fists as they shake uncontrollably. 

It’s not fair, he decides, the emptiness inside him filling up with his own anger and frustration. He has no idea why this is happening to him now, not after so long of being left alone. He doesn’t want this, doesn’t want to feel these emotions when they don’t even belong to him. He’s always felt safe in the forest, so far from anyone, and now he feels violated, these strong emotions forced on him.  Slowly he lifts himself up onto all fours, grits his teeth, and crawls forward with stubborn determination. 

He’s close, he knows he is. He can’t just bury his head in the sand and ignore it like he’s been doing all these years; he has to deal with it, even if he doesn’t want to. The bank is steep and slippery, but bit by bit, he makes his way up and over the brow. The achievement is marred by the sight of an unconscious man, the source of all his pain and grief, lying in the ditch below him. 

It’s both a relief and a weight. He might have found the source, but the man is obviously hurt, and they’re both miles from anything. With a sudden burst of energy, he scrambles down the slope and drops back down onto his knees beside the unconscious stranger. He curses, breaking the silence as he leans over the still form, and lets out the breath he didn’t even realise he was holding when he sees the man’s chest rise and fall. 

“Hey,” he calls softly, shaking the man’s shoulder. “Come on, wake up.” 

Slowly the man’s eyelids lift and beautiful brown eyes stare back at him. If the forest wasn’t so eerily still already, Jensen would swear time slows for a moment. It ends when the man’s eyes slide shut again, and Jensen shivers against a sudden burst of wind that pushes past him and rustles the leaves on the trees behind him. 

“No, no, no, don’t do that.” Jensen slaps the man’s cheek lightly and shakes his shoulder. He groans, not enjoying being forced into remaining conscious when the blissful state of unconsciousness beckons.  

With nothing but the adrenaline rushing through his body, Jensen lifts the heavy man to his feet. The man stays awake long enough to keep himself upright, which is a minor miracle.  

“Jff,” The man slurs unintelligibly. 

“It’s okay,” Jensen pulls him in tighter until he can feel the man’s warm breath against his throat. 

“Jeff...” 

 He hears the whisper and his mind can’t help but start to wonder just who this man is confusing him with. “Just hold on.”  

He doesn’t know how he manages to get the man back to the house; he’s at least the size of one of the Sasquatch rumoured to roam the same woods. The man’s obviously injured, the pronounced limp forcing them to go at a snail’s pace. Jensen carries most of the man’s weight, and wraps his arm tightly around his waist to pull him forwards. Step by step, they make their way back through the woods, heavy footsteps sinking into the soft earth as Jensen lets instinct guide them back home.  

Just before the cabin comes into sight, he feels the man’s body lurch into him, and he knows what’s coming next. The stranger’s unfocused eyes roll back, and he drops onto the ground like a puppet with its strings cut, Jensen unable to catch him in time. Jensen ran out of energy half a mile back, so it’s nothing but sheer determination and desperation that lifts the man and carries him into the house. The man stays unconscious the whole time, which worries Jensen, as he knows he’s not being particularly carefully with the stranger, and who knows what injuries he may have. 

The man is placed gently down onto the bed before Jensen arches his back and stretches out the tired muscles, hearing his vertebrae click. He can’t help but stare at the guy now lying in his bed. The shaggy hair that his fingers now seem to be itching to run through, the strong features, and even stronger muscles under tanned skin. The man is an enigma, one full of enough sadness to bring Jensen to his knees. Who is he, and what is he doing in the forest in the first place?  With nothing left to do but wait until the man regains consciousness, Jensen returns downstairs to an unusually docile Sadie and pops a couple of aspirin, readying himself for what’s to come when brown eyes wakes. 

 

************

 

When Jared wakes, he knows he’s not in the woods anymore. His head is spinning like he’s spent the night out drinking his body weight in alcohol, and his body aches as though he’s skydived without a parachute, his muscles protesting even the slightest movement. Without opening his eyes he knows he must be in a bed, the heavy covers keeping him warm, but where he is, or how he got here, are still questions without answers.  His eyelids feel like they’re weighted down by bricks, and it takes a frustratingly long time to open them and take in his new surroundings. The bedroom he’s in is light and modest, full of chunky wooden furniture and little else. From the distinct lack of feminine touches to the place, he quickly makes the assumption that the room belongs to a man.

He blinks lethargically and forces himself to wake up properly. When his mind is clear enough, he can’t help but panic slightly when he realises he’s wearing nothing but his boxers under the heavy navy quilt. He’s god knows where, in a stranger’s bed, mostly naked, and that’s never a good thing. He tries to sit up as he scans the room for any sign of his clothes, but a sudden pain has him lying back down again. All his memories of the accident come flooding back like a tidal wave. He lifts his hand to his head and feels a bandage taped to where he’d hit it; his ankle is strapped up tightly, and there are more band-aids and cloth bandages on his arms and legs, where he’d opened up his skin in the fall. As he tries to sit up, he knows by the pain that he has at least a couple of fractured ribs, and he has bruising all the colours of the rainbow covering every visible inch of skin. 

He’d heard stories about strange men living in the woods alone, and now here he is, an easy target and too weak to escape. His breathing quickens until he grows lightheaded with panic and pain, and he grips hold of the quilt in tight fists like a shield.

His head snaps up sharply when he hears heavy footsteps run up the stairs and towards the bedroom. The bedroom door is pushed open, and a figure steps over the threshold. 

“Where am I? What’s happening?” Jared asks, his voice hoarse from sleep. 

“It’s okay, you’re safe,” the man says from the shadows, which doesn’t make Jared feel any better. “I was worried; you’ve been unconscious since I found you.” 

“You found me?” 

The man nods, “I helped you back here...here being my home.” He nervously shifts slightly from one foot to the other. “I patched you up too. My first aid skills are basic at best, but I’ve done what I can.” Jared finds himself trying to press himself back into the headboard, and further away from the strange man who had done god knows what to him while he was sleeping. “I’m sorry, I have no phone, and we’re in the middle of nowhere, but I have a guy who brings me supplies once a week. He’ll be back in a few days, he’ll take you back into town and have you checked out by the local doctor.”

Jared doesn’t know whether to believe him or not, but he nods anyway. 

The man shakes his head suddenly and takes one stilted step forward into the light. “Sorry, I’m not good at this, I’m out of practice...I’m Jensen.”  The man who steps forward has the most beautiful green eyes Jared’s ever seen, complemented by sharp cheekbones, and lips you’d expect to see on a supermodel. There’s something in the man’s eyes that quashes Jared’s fight or flight response, and his taut, aching muscles relax slightly. There’s a slight twang in the man’s voice that sends Jared back to Texas as he speaks. 

Green eyes shifts slightly from one foot to the other hesitantly, and his eyes dart around the small room. Jared doesn’t know why, but he’s never heard of a shy axe-murderer, especially one that patches you up before killing you.  

“Jared,” Jared returns. “Padalecki”

“Well...Jared,” Jensen nods and folds his arms across his chest tightly. It’s a defence mechanism, Jared knows that much. “I’ve made some food, just some soup, nothing special.” He shrugs, “You hungry?”

Jared didn’t realise how hungry he is until food is mentioned. From the sound of it, it’s been hours since he last ate anything. He nods, “Please.”

Jensen turns without another word and disappears back out the door. Jared listens to each footstep as his mysterious host makes his way down the stairs. 

He realises, as he waits for Jensen to return with food, that there are no personal items in the room. Looking around, he sees no family photos on the wall, no books or magazines, nothing identifiable at all, just furniture, and it makes Jared wonder what kind of a man lives in such complete seclusion, with no ties to the rest of the world. Is this just a sparse holiday cabin to retreat to when life gets too much, or is he running away from something? Someone? 

He’s jolted back to reality when the door reopens and Jensen walks in carrying a tray. He stops beside the bed and puts the tray down on the nightstand. “Can you sit up?” He reaches out to help, but Jared stops him. 

“No, I can do it,” He says, voicing his frustration. 

Jensen pulls his hand away like it’s been burnt and watches Jared struggle up into a sitting position. It’s painful, and Jared gasps as he twists the wrong way and pain shoots through his chest like lightning. Still, Jensen doesn’t step in to help, something for which Jared’s thankful, but he catches Jensen glancing now and again at his bare chest, and Jared finds himself flushing under his gaze.   

Jensen picks the tray back up and places it down on Jared’s lap when he’s sitting up high enough. Jared’s stomach growls at the sight of steaming soup and buttered crunchy bread. He dives straight in, picking up the spoon and scooping up a mouthful of the vegetable soup. It’s a little salty, but it’s thick with chunky vegetables. 

Jensen says nothing as he turns to leave. 

Jared swallows down the mouthful quickly, ignoring the burning heat. “Wait.” Jensen’s head spins around and he looks at Jared questioningly, “My clothes?”

“Drying as we speak, I’m sorry I had to-“ Jensen awkwardly motions at Jared’s chest. “While you were asleep, but I had to check your injuries...and the clothes were bloody.” He crosses the room to the chest of drawers and pulls a grey sweatshirt out of the top drawer. He throws it onto the bed. “That should be big enough until your clothes are ready.”

“Thanks,” Jared pulls the sweater close, somehow managing it without spilling the liquid on his lap. 

“I’ll just...” Jensen nods towards the door, shoving his hands into his jean pockets.

“You could stay,” Jared finds himself blurting out before his mind can stop him. It seems his curiosity’s won out. “Talk to me.”

He’s slightly amused by the deer caught in the headlights look that flits across Jensen’s face. “Why? I mean, what should I say?”

Yup, as far from a psycho murderer as you could get, Jared thinks. “I don’t know. Tell me about yourself, what you do for a living, what you’re doing living out in the middle of nowhere.” Jensen blinks. and Jared searches for something to connect with the other man. “Friends? Family? Pets?”

Jensen’s eyes light up, “I have a dog.”

“Yeah?” Jared smiles as he returns to his food. “I always wanted a dog, could never afford one though,” Jared sees Jensen’s shoulders relax slightly at the easy subject. “What’s her name?”

“Sadie.” 

“Bet she’s the boss around here.”

“Runs circles around me...literally.”

Jared laughs, and then regrets it. He presses a hand to his aching chest and winces. “Please don’t make me laugh.”

“God, I’m sorry.” There’s a similar pained expression on Jensen’s face that surprises Jared. 

“Come on,” Jared quickly moves on. “All I know about you so far is that you have a pet dog and have a thing for rescuing people from the woods. That, and you make good soup.”

Jensen shrugs,”I’m not that interesting...or that good of a cook. The soup’s from a can,” he admits. 

“Tell me anyway. I’m not going anywhere for a while, am I?”

So Jensen talks, saying anything that comes to mind. He tells Jared about how Sadie came into his life, how it had taken months to name her, and that she’d just been ‘puppy’ for such a long time that Jensen had considered naming her that. He tells Jared about taking Sadie for walks in the forest, not returning for hours; how Sadie would manage to find every pile of scat and roll around in it, and chase squirrels, which always ends in Sadie trying to climb a tree and barking like crazy at the escaping animal. 

As Jared listens and smiles at Jensen’s storytelling, the position he’s sat in starts to put pressure on his chest. He tries to hide the pain, which slowly increases as the soup bowl empties. He tries to keep his breathing shallow, but it doesn’t make much difference. 

“You’re in pain,” Jensen says suddenly, pausing midway in a story about Sadie and a burst water pipe.  Jared grits his teeth and nods. He pushes the finished tray off his legs and shuffles carefully down the bed until he’s lying on his back again. “Just breathe, I’ll go get you some aspirin.” Jensen flies out of the room and quickly descends the staircase. 

He bypasses the kitchen completely and stumbles out the back door to the small lake his home draws water from. The water is completely still and quiet, the surrounding trees sheltering it from the wind. He drops down onto the handmade bench and traps his shaking hands between his thighs. He knew being so close to Jared would be hard, he can feel the grief coming off him in waves, not to mention the physical pain of his injuries, which Jensen can’t help but feel. He’s doing a good job of hiding it, but there’s only so long he can be in the same room with Jared before he breaks. He should be bringing Jared water and some aspirin right now, but Jensen is frozen to the spot. If he can’t manage ten minutes, how is he supposed to last a week?  There’s a reason he stays so isolated. He can’t handle other people’s emotions, not as well as his own. He’s too screwed up. 

There’s a heavy weight in his stomach that tells him this isn’t going to end well. He can’t hide this from Jared forever, not with how much Jared’s emotions are affecting him, and Jensen has no idea how Jared will take it. Psychics are still so new to the world, and any that have revealed themselves have been met with fear or hostility. 

It had been over ten years ago that he’d first felt an emotion that wasn’t his own. He remembers being at home and finding himself crying uncontrollably, only to go downstairs and find his mother crying too, his grandmother dead. When the power first came to him, he couldn’t be in the same house as his brother and his girlfriend when they were alone together without feeling the same effects, and going near anywhere where emotions ran high, like the local hospital, had him all over the place. Excruciating headaches forced him to shy away from the world for a long time, only venturing out after learning to block most of it out. If someone’s emotions weren’t strong he could eventually block it out completely, but it’s been five years since he moved out to the woods, and his once strong defences have crumbled to dust.

 It’s not a switch he can just turn back on. Building up his defences in the first place had taken months, a mixture of meditation and sheer force of will. There’s no way he has the ability to block out Jared’s powerful emotions, which leaves two options for him. Let the emotions overtake him, and deal with the fallout afterwards, or try and help Jared deal with whatever’s made him so sad in the first place, and that’s if Jared will even let him help. They don’t know each other after all.

He feels a wet nose nudging at his hand, and he glances down at the unusually quiet Sadie. He wonders how in tune Sadie is to his own emotions, whether she understands what Jensen’s going through. He pulls himself to his feet, and takes a couple of steadying breaths before making his way back into the house. He pulls a clean glass from the cupboard and fills it with water from the tap, grabbing the bottle of pills from the worktop as he makes his way back upstairs. He doesn’t have an endless supply of pain medication, and he knows Jared needs it a lot more than he does at the moment, which means suffering through the headaches. Jensen wonders what he’s done to deserve all this...and then he remembers. 

“I’m sorry it took so long,” he apologises as he re-enters his bedroom. Jared is exactly where he left him, unable to move from the bed. He looks more tired than he did ten minutes ago, his eyes drooping, and his head turns to face Jensen slowly, lethargically. 

“S’okay” Jared slurs. 

It’s not okay, but Jensen doesn’t have the energy to argue.  He moves around the bed in three strides and places two white pills into Jared’s open hand. Slipping his hand under Jared’s head, he lifts him up enough for Jared to take a couple gulps of water to wash down the pills without spilling the water all over him. 

“You’ll feel better soon.” Jared nods and sighs. “So,” Jensen begins cautiously as he puts the lid back on the pill bottle. “What were you doing out in the woods on your own?” The question is innocent enough, or at least Jensen thought it was. He feels Jared stiffen, feels his guard go up. 

“I was-” Jared searches for an answer, something other than my brother died a month ago and his last request was that I scatter his ashes by a lake.”My bag!”  he gasps as he realises he’s completely forgotten about the box. 

“Jeff,” he whispers, guilt flooding him at the thought of the box discarded on the forest floor as though it means nothing. He hears Jensen parrot him, questioning the name, but Jared doesn’t respond. He needs to get to Jeff, make sure he’s safe. He tries to throw back the covers, but they’re heavy, and his muscles are weak. 

“Please, I need to-“ he begs as Jensen forces him back under the covers, overpowering him with ease.  

“You need to sleep,” Jensen tells him firmly. Jared’s eyes close tightly and he swallows hard, as if he’s trying to force the lump in his throat to go away. He feels like a failure; he can’t even manage a hike in the woods without it going wrong. “Sleep,” Jensen repeats. He tucks the covers around Jared like he’s a little child, and makes his way out of the room quietly; hearing one last whispered Jeff before he closes the door behind him.

He finds himself curious about this Jeff; the same one Jared mistook him for as he helped him back to the house. Is he a son? A brother? A boyfriend? Whatever this person is to Jared, the answers have to be in his bag, left behind in the woods. There was no possible way he could have helped Jared back and carried the heavy bag as well, but it’s obvious Jared is distressed without it. Jensen doesn’t need to be an empath to know how much Jared needs the bag.  

With the pain medication in his system, Jensen knows Jared will be unconscious for a while. He needs sleep and time to heal, so Jensen knows it’s safe for him to leave for an hour or two. He pulls on his boots, grabs his jacket, and heads back out into the woods, Sadie at his side. It takes him longer than he thought to find the bag. He hadn’t been paying attention to where he was going the first time, too distracted by his all the pain swirling around between him and Jared. He’s been living in the forest long enough to stop himself from getting lost, but one tree does look like every other tree, and if you don’t stay on the paths, it’s easy to get turned around. 

Over an hour later, he’s climbing back up the same bank and looking down at the ditch where he found Jared. He carefully jogs down the slope, not wanting to end up in the same situation as Jared, and scans the area. His eyes land on the blue backpack, open and muddy, not far from where Jared was lying. Lying half out of the bag is a polished box, and as he kneels beside the bag he can see an engraved plaque on top. He runs the pad of his index finger across the metal, Jeff Padalecki. 

“Oh.” He knows what the box is now, what’s inside, and suddenly Jared’s overpowering grief makes sense. He carefully pushes the box back into the bag and seals it up. Throwing it over one shoulder, he turns and makes his way back to the house. 

He’s tired when he arrives home. It’s been a long couple of days, and he knows it’s going to turn into a long week. He takes his muddy boots off and pads up the stairs, the bag still slung over his shoulder. 

He pushes the door open slowly and peers in to make sure Jared is still fast asleep. Jared’s eyes are shut and his chest is rising and falling slowly as Jensen steps into the room and places the bag down on the floor beside the bed. He can’t help himself from staring down at the sleeping man in his bed, and feels his heart beating fast in his chest as he looks at the lax plump lips and exposed skin on view. Feeling too much like a voyeur, he tears his eyes away and leaves just as quietly as he entered. Returning downstairs, he feeds Sadie and then swallows down half a cheese sandwich, just enough to keep him going for another twelve hours. When Sadie is happy, fast asleep on the couch, Jensen enters his workshop and begins work on a new table. 

Jared awakes a few hours later, his eyes opening slowly to the bag propped up against the wall. He smiles.         

 

**********

 

Jensen feels the rough grain under his fingertips as he sands the wood down in a repetitive motion. One of the reasons why he hates power tools is because of the satisfaction he gets from the blood, sweat, and tears he puts into every piece of furniture. Every muscle ache from the carving, or inury from sawing, equals a piece of art. For him, it’s not about getting it finished as quickly as possible, with as much noise and fuss as possible, it’s the act of making something he loves, taking time over it.  It’s calming, lets him focus on one thing and drowns out everything else.  

His muscles protest after half an hour bent over the new table, and he arches his back until he hears a satisfying click. He lifts a rag from his front pocket and wipes the sweat off his forehead, the sandpaper still clutched in his other hand. 

He’s surprised how far he’s managed to get with the table, considering his house guest, but thankfully Jared’s spent the last two days mostly unconscious, only waking up briefly for food or a bathroom break. The first time that Jensen had to help Jared to the en-suite nearly broke them both, the pain too much for Jared to bear, and the combination of Jared’s pain and his warm body pressed against his own nearly drove Jensen crazy. It’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs for Jensen, feeling completely numb when Jared’s asleep, and then having a lightning bolt of grief and pain, and a myriad of other emotions forced on him with no warning. 

He drops the paper down onto the pale wood table top and rolls his shoulders gently to undo the knots in his muscles, then turns and slowly makes his way out of the workshop and back into the house. Sadie looks up from her bed in the corner of the shed and slowly pulls herself up onto her paws, padding over to join Jensen. 

Jensen doesn’t need to sniff his armpits to know he stinks. He’s been out in the workshop all morning, and he went for a run before that, but the only shower is upstairs, where Jared is asleep, and Jensen really doesn’t want to wake the man up. He has no choice though, and sneaks through the bedroom as quietly as possible, shutting Sadie out in the hallway. He strips off his sweat sodden t-shirt and drops it and his jeans in a pile on the floor. He climbs into the shower, wincing at the clanging and screeching it makes as hot water surges through the pipes. 

He stays under the water until his skin starts to tingle and redden from the heat, then climbs out, grabbing a towel off the rack. Wrapping it tightly around his waist, he grips hold of it to stop it from slipping and reaches for the door handle with his free hand. Steam billows out behind him as he steps back into the bedroom, freezing mid-step when he looks up and sees Jared staring back at him with wide eyes. 

The usual grief is there, something Jensen is unfortunately getting used to, but there’s something new, something he hasn’t felt in a while. It’s desire. Jensen can feel Jared’s desire for him. Jensen can’t take his eyes off Jared as he tries to work out what this means. It’s a complete surprise, Jensen’s gaydar is rusty, and he’d convinced himself that Jared was as straight as they come. It’s rare to find one gay Texan in the woods, let alone two. He’s suddenly very self conscious, aware that he’s standing there in only a towel, and he can’t stop the blush that spreads across his cheeks. 

 “I uh,” he clears his throat. “I’m just gonna grab some clothes.” Crossing the room quickly, he ignores Jared’s gaze as it follows him and concentrates on pulling jeans, boxers and a shirt out of the chest of drawers. He grips the clothes tightly to his chest and returns quickly to the bathroom, almost slamming the door behind him. 

Somehow, Jensen realises as he pulls his clothes on, he has to act like he doesn’t know Jared’s attracted to him. Especially considering that Jensen thinks Jared is probably the hottest guy ever to land in his lap figuratively speaking, no matter how much he might prefer it to be literally speaking. 

He emerges from the bathroom five minutes later, clean, dry and fully clothed, and he immediately looks up to find Jared’s eyes. Jared looks back at him with a soft smile but says nothing, which Jensen is thankful for. 

“Hungry?”

Jared shakes his head, “Bored...you have no TV, nothing to read, what do you do all day?”

“I go for walks,” Jensen folds his arms across his chest, feeling a little defensive. “I make things, I...”

“Things?” Jared interjects. 

“Furniture,” Jensen nods to the bed Jared’s lying in. “Tables, shelves, drawers, stools.”

Jared looks back in surprise, “You made all this?”

“It’s a better use of my time than watching soap operas and the shopping channel,” Jensen replies, a little sharper than he’d intended. 

“No, I...” Jared shakes his head. Jensen knows he feels misunderstood. “I think it’s beautiful, I just can’t believe you made all this yourself.” Jensen shrugs, feeling more than a little self conscious again. He’s never been able to take compliments well. “Do you sell what you make?”

“I give what I make to JD...my supply guy. Don’t know what he does with it, gives it away or sells it on, don’t really care either way.” It might seem strange to most people, but he’s never cared what happens to it after he makes it. It’s not the finished product he’s interested in. He wouldn’t care if JD chopped up his furniture and used it for firewood. He just likes making things out of wood. “If you’re really bored, I uh, made a chess set a couple of years ago. You know how to play?” Jensen regrets the question when he’s hit by a sudden pang of grief. 

“Yeah,” Jared says softly, “My brother taught me.”

Jensen’s eyes drift to the backpack propped up underneath the window. “Let me see if I can find it.” He tears his eyes away from both the bag and Jared and makes his way downstairs. He digs into the cupboard under the stairs and lays his hand on the chess board five minutes later. He pulls the square of polished wood out from a dark cobwebbed corner, and then digs around for the box containing the pieces. He remembers making the chess set one winter when it was too cold to venture outside for any length of time. He spent hours carving every single piece, and laid each one out in the right position when they were finished. For a few months, he would play by himself, spinning the board around and playing both sides, but he soon lost interest in playing a game meant for two and it, like many other creations, were relegated to the back of the closet. He reaches around blindly for the pieces and smiles when his hand lands on the small black box. He blows at the layer of dust on the box lid and carries both upstairs, detouring to the kitchen to collect a glass of water and some more aspirin. He’s glad it won’t be long before JD arrives. He’s nearly out of pain medication, and he’s had to cut back on taking it for his headaches so that there’s more for Jared. 

It’s a juggle getting everything up the stairs without spilling, but he just manages it, pushing the bedroom door open with his foot. He feels Jared’s eyes on him as he puts the board and box down at the end of the bed and then hands the glass and pills over. 

“How did you know I was in pain?” Jared frowns as he throws back his head and swallows the pills with two gulps of water. 

“Just a guess,” Jensen answers, then quickly changes the subject. “Go easy on me, I’m a little rusty.” He  pushes the board across the covers so it’s in arms reach of Jared, and puts each rook, knight and queen in their rightful places. 

“Don’t worry, I haven’t played in a while either,” Jared replies, his gaze fixed on the intricately carved pieces laid out on each black and white square. 

Jensen hides a black and white pawn in each hand, gripping them tightly, and holds out his fists towards Jared. Jared taps Jensen’s right fist, and Jensen opens both hands to reveal Jared’s white pawn and his own black one. 

“I never thanked you, by the way,” Jared says as he makes the first move. 

Jensen quickly makes his own move, pushing his pawn forwards, “For what?”

Jared’s eyes flick to the backpack, “My things, you went back and got them. You didn’t have to do that.” He moves another pawn. 

“Of course I did, it means a lot to you.”

“It does,” Jared says slowly, frowning at Jensen. “How did you know?”

Jensen has no idea how to answer Jared’s question without revealing the truth. It was stupid of him to say what he did, but for some reason, his brain just isn’t connected to his mouth. “I uh...you seemed distressed when you realised you didn’t have your bag, I just put two and two together.” Jared nods slowly, and Jensen sighs in relief that Jared’s accepted his explanation. “You’ve also been....you keep talking about someone, you thought I was him when I helped you back here. You say his name in your sleep.” Jensen broaches the subject carefully, knowing how much it’ll affect them both to talk about it. “Who is he?”

“Jeff, his name was Jeff,” Jared swallows the lump in his throat, tearing his eyes away from the chess board to look up at Jensen. “My brother.....he died not too long ago.”

Everything starts to make sense to Jensen, “The box.”

Jared nods, “He wanted this...wanted me to scatter his ashes here, well, at this lake, Cedar Lake?”

Jensen nods in recognition; it’s only a half hour walk from where he found Jared. 

“We went there once,” Jared begins, his gaze turning to the window. “Me and my brother. Our dad took us.”

“Must have been nice,” Jensen smiles softly. 

Jared manages a half shrug, “I don’t know, don’t really remember.” His lips press together in a thin line and his hands grip the covers so tightly his hands turn white.

 Jensen winces. “You don’t have to talk about it...if it’s too painful.”

Jared forces himself to smile, “It’s okay, need to talk about it to someone right?

“Doesn’t have to be me, you barely know me.”

Jared finally looks back at Jensen, and Jensen feels his gaze go straight into him, making him shiver. “Sometimes it’s easier that way, when it’s a stranger,” Jared sighs. “I have no-one else,” he admits. 

“To talk to? Surely there’s someone?”

“No,” Jared shakes his head. “I have no-one, no family.”

Jensen feels the loneliness Jared’s talking about, and it makes him sad. It’s sad how someone like Jared, who so obviously misses his family, should be going through this pain, should be left with no- one. Jensen might live on his own, but he still has family, even if they don’t want to acknowledge him. He chose his life of solitude, Jared didn’t. He clears his throat, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Everything,” Jensen replies honestly. 

Jared doesn’t say anything for a long time, just looks down at the long forgotten chess game, and Jensen knows Jared’s trying to get a handle on his emotions, as the feelings swirling around like a storm inside him calm slightly. “Think you could open the window? I’m a little hot,” Jared finally says, and Jensen quickly gets up from his seat on the bed to crack open the window. A strong breeze surges past him and Jared closes his eyes in relief, his head tilting back to rest against the headboard revealing taut tanned skin, “Much better.”

“Yeah,” Jensen chokes out. 

“Enough talking about me; lets finish this game, shall we?” Jared’s eyes open slowly and he manages a weak smile. 

“Sure,” Jensen returns to his seat and makes his move. 

They play in silence for a long time, each taking the time to plan each move, concentrating on the arrangement of the pieces carefully. 

“Come on then,” Jared finally speaks up as he breaks his concentration to gulp down the last of the water. “I’ve bared all to you. Tell me why you live alone, no phone, no computer, like a complete Luddite.” 

“I have to have a reason?” Jensen asks.

“I don’t think you can live in solitude like this without one,” Jared answers. He glances down at the board and quickly pushes his rook forward, “Check.”

Jensen frowns and stares at the board. He realises he obviously hasn’t been paying enough attention as he pushes his king out of the line of fire. “You live here long enough, away from the noise and the light, the crime, the pollution, the politics and media, you quickly realise it’s not about what’s missing from your life, but what you don’t need in your life,” He explains. “I have all I need here.”

“But don’t you get lonely? Don’t you want a wife, a family?”

“Not a wife, no.” Jensen shakes his head. “There was a time when I wanted a family, but things happened...I changed, and my life was mapped out for me...here.”

Jared frowns, “You make it sound like you have no control over your life.”

Jensen doesn’t reply, can’t tell Jared that’s exactly what it’s like for him, having no control over what he feels, what he makes people feel. That he has no other choice but to live miles from anywhere, and that this will be all he can ever have for the rest of his life. 

Jensen sighs, “Sometimes, no matter how many choices you make in how you live your life, the final choice is made for you.”

Jared understands that. He was left with no choice at all when his brother got sick, and now his life is changed forever because of it. He has choices, just nothing he would have ever chosen for himself when Jeff was alive. Being alone was never part of the plan. 

“Are you happy here?” Jared finds himself asking. 

It takes Jensen a long time to answer. No-one’s ever asked him that before, and he’s never really thought about it. He certainly loves the woods, loves the peace that comes with it, but being all alone for long periods of time is something that he’ll never fully get used to.  “Yeah,” he nods. “Most days, I guess I am.”

“Good, that’s good,” Jared says, before letting out a long breath. His eyes slide shut and he lifts his hand to his head to wipe away the sweat forming. “Do you have the heating up high or something? I’m baking here.”

Jensen’s eyebrows furrow in concern. “Jared, the heating isn’t on.” Jared doesn’t look good at all, and Jensen can’t believe he didn’t notice before. He surges forwards and presses the back of his hand against Jared’s forehead. “God, you’re burning up!” Sliding off the bed, he quickly crosses the room and enters the bathroom. He grabs a cloth and soaks it in cold water before returning to Jared. He presses the cool cloth against Jared’s forehead. “Any better?”

Jared hums, “Yeah, a little.”

“Hold still, I’m going to check your wounds.” Jared makes a hissing sound, and curses under his breath as Jensen pulls back the makeshift bandages and checks each cut and scrape. Most of them look okay, healing nicely, but there are a couple that are red and inflamed, which really isn’t a good thing. Jensen cleans them again as best he can, but Jared was on the ground for a long time before Jensen found him, and dirt could have easily got inside and caused an infection. If that’s what it is, Jensen doesn’t know what to do. 

He throws the chess board off the bed with little care for the delicate pieces, or where it all lands, and pulls back the covers to keep Jared cool. The next couple of hours are spent at Jared’s side; trying to keep him as cool as possible as his temperature rises. He wets big towels and covers Jared’s body in them, not caring that his bed is soaked in water and sweat. The hotter Jared gets, the more confused he gets. His words start to slur and his eyes are unfocused. Jensen’s worry increases; he doesn’t know long he can continue to keep Jared cool. If he could go for help, he would, but it would take too long to walk to town and Jared’s at the point where he really can’t be left alone. Guilt suffocates him, knowing if he’d just gone earlier, walked to town while Jared was unconscious, none of this would be happening. 

“Shhh,” Jensen hushes as Jared mumbles to himself. “Sleep,” Jensen feels helpless. 

It soon gets to the point where the wet towels have stopped working. Jared’s temperature is only getting higher. Jensen doesn’t need a medical degree to know that it’s bad, and only getting worse, for Jared. If he doesn’t find a way to lower Jared’s temperature soon, there could be irreversible damage. He considers helping Jared to the shower, but there’s no way Jared can hold himself up right now, he’s too weak to stand up for even a minute and the cubicle is only built for one. There’s only one other option. Jensen throws Jared over one shoulder, careful of his injuries, and slowly carries him downstairs. Sadie nearly trips him up, running circles around him and barking desperately at him as he crosses the cabin and out through the back. In four wide strides he reaches the edge of the lake, and without hesitating, he continues forward and walks fully clothed into the water. When he’s waist deep in the freezing cold fresh water, he pulls Jared off his shoulder and fully immerses him in the water. He holds him under for a couple of seconds then lifts him just enough for his head to break the surface. Holding Jared’s body tightly against his chest, Jensen tenderly wipes the wet hair away from Jared’s face. Within minutes Jared’s body feels cooler and his eyes flutter open slowly. 

“Jen?” Jared mumbles. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Jensen breathes, unable to take his eyes off the man in his arms.                     

 

**********

 

Jensen spends the night with Jared though, instead of anything he might have fantasised about, the long night is spent wide awake, his tired eyes trained on Jared, too scared to sleep in case something should happen to the other man in the night. The fever has gone down slightly, thanks to Jensen’s dip in the lake, but it hasn’t gone down enough. His skin is still hot to the touch, and he’s still mumbling intelligibly as the fever grabs hold of him and refuses to let go. He isn’t getting any worse though, and that’s what Jensen’s holding onto. Jared’s obviously fighting it, which surprises Jensen. (He hadn’t been sure if Jared cared whether he lives or dies after he’s suffered such a loss. 

When the morning comes, his eyelids feel like lead weights, and his muscles are so tightly wound from stress and worry that everything aches. His body isn’t used to so much drama. The worst thing is, he realises, it’s still two more days until JD arrives, and he’s not sure either of them can keep going like this. They need JD now and when he says now, he means two days ago. He’s even tried rummaging around in Jared’s bag in the hope of finding a cell phone. What he finds is a completely useless phone with a smashed screen, obviously damaged in the fall. He throws it across the room. He finds himself closing his eyes, tilting his head back, and praying to whoever may be listening that they both get through this. 

“Jeff,” Jared groans, scrunching up his eyes tightly and writhing under the sweat soaked sheets. 

Jensen realises he would give anything to have Jared better, to take the pain away. It surprises him just how protective he’s gotten, how attached he is to a man he barely knows, to a man who’s been dropped in his lap, who’s forced him to re-live certain emotions he really didn’t want to re-live. Jensen hushes Jared and runs a wet cloth down his face and along his collarbone, mopping up the sweat forming there. With the amount Jared’s sweating, Jensen tries to get him to drink some water whenever he’s conscious enough to know what’s going on. Even with that though, Jensen knows Jared’s on his way to becoming dehydrated. 

When Jared is sleeping calmly, Jensen forcibly tears himself away from his bedside and trudges down the stairs. Sadie whines at him from her bed, making Jensen feel guilty. He’d forgotten all about her, evidenced by her empty food bowl. Jensen quickly fills the bowl up to the top and pats Sadie’s back as an apology as she runs over to the bowl. She starts chewing down the food happily as he makes his way over to the counter to make himself a long overdue and much needed coffee. 

He’s shocked out of his sleepy daze by the sound of an engine outside. Jensen frowns, puts his coffee mug down and goes to explore. As he opens the front door he hears a car door open and shut, and his eyes widen at the sight of JD standing by his truck, looking back at him with a look of such confusion. 

“Jensen?”

“What are you... why are you here?”

“I have no idea,” JD shakes his head, “I just thought I needed to move. Felt like I was needed here. I can’t explain it.”

Jensen swallows hard. “There’s a man, Jared. I found him injured in the woods a few of days ago,” Jensen begins to explain, watches JD’s facial expression change into surprise. “He has a fever....I’ve done the best I can, but he needs medical attention.”

JD frowns, “Where is he?”

“Upstairs,” Jensen nods his head towards the house, and then leads JD inside and up the stairs. 

JD whistles loudly, “You weren’t kidding,” he says as soon as he passes the threshold of Jensen’s bedroom. 

“Why would I kid?” Jensen finds himself asking, his mind working too slowly to understand. 

JD moves closer to the bed and curses. “I need to get him back to town, pronto.” His head turns back towards Jensen, “Help me get him to the truck.” Between the two of them, they manage to manoeuvre Jared’s dead weight down the stairs and into the truck. Jensen disappears back into the house and grabs Jared’s backpack, knowing Jared enough to know how much he needs to be near the box. He places the bag carefully in the bed of the truck and takes two steps back. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of him. I’ll get him straight to Doc Peters,” JD reassures him. “Spooky don’t you think? How I knew to come? Almost like the fates were directing me here,” JD grins at the idea and quickly puts his foot down on the accelerator, cutting off any reply from Jensen.  

As soon as the truck is out of sight, Jensen throws up. 

*********

The last time Jared woke up, he’d found himself in a stranger’s house, somewhere in the woods. This time he has no idea where he is, or how much time has passed. His eyes open to a medium sized room filled with medical equipment. He’s naked save for his boxers again; crisp white sheets pulled over him to his chest, and an IV drip in his arm. He remembers snatches of the last couple of days, but none of it makes sense. He remembers queens and deep cold water and...

“Jensen?” Jared’s voice is hoarse from disuse. He looks around for some clue as to where he is. He certainly isn’t at Jensen’s anymore. His eyes land on his backpack and it calms him slightly. He’s not completely alone. 

His eyes snap up when the door slowly creaks open. A man in his late fifties with a receding hairline and thick rimmed glasses appears. He’s wearing a bright green shirt with a mismatched orange tie and a stethoscope wrapped around his neck. 

“Hi Jared.” The man smiles, “I’m Doc Peters. Do you remember what happened?”

The doctor’s friendly smile and relaxed body language has Jared feeling safe enough to talk, “I fell...in the forest.”

The Doc nods, “You fractured your ankle, bruised your ribs, and developed an infection from your cuts.” He explains. “You’re very lucky Jared; if your temp had been any higher I would have had to call a helicopter to airlift you to the nearest emergency department. I’m afraid we’re only a little practise here, but we can handle the odd minor emergency...like you.”

“I’m okay now?”

“Oh good heavens, no!” The doctor laughs, clasping his hands together, “The infection’s going to keep you with us for another couple of days, then bed rest for another week. You’ll also have to keep off your ankle for at least six to eight weeks”

“That long?” Jared frowns. 

“You were as weak as a new born kitty when JD brought you in a couple of days ago. You’ve responded well to the antibiotics, so be thankful I’m letting you loose in two days. It could have been a lot longer,” Peters reminds him. “You got anyone you want me to call? Let them know you’re okay?”

Jared’s eyes fall to the floor, “No, there’s no-one.”

“You got somewhere to stay close by? I don’t feel happy letting you go if you’ve got no-one to look after you.”

All Jared has is his car, parked by the road in the forest somewhere. He has no home, no one to help him apart from-

“I have Jensen,” Jared finds himself saying. 

“Jensen?” The doctor frowns.

“He lives in the woods.”

“Ah,” the doctor nods. “He’s one of the men JD delivers to, yes?” 

Jared nods. “You know him?”

Peters shakes his head, “There’s more than one recluse in those woods. They’re rarely seen, rarely heard from.”

“Talking about my favourite recluses?” Another voice asks. Jared’s eyes refocus behind Peters, to the man standing in the doorway. He leans against the doorpost, like he was born completely laid back, without a care in the world and his smile is just as easy. He’s younger than Doctor Peters, with a full head of dark hair, the odd grey hair and laugh lines on his face revealing that he’s older than he acts. 

He pushes away from the door way and strolls into the room, his pockets jingling with keys and coins as he walks. “I’m JD.”

It’s not hard to put two and two together. Jensen’s delivery guy, JD, bobs his head up and down. “Thanks then...for you know, getting me help.”

Before JD can tell Jared it was no big deal, Doctor Peters claps his hands together “Okay then, Jared, I’m going to come and check on you a little later. If you need anything, there’s a call button beside your bed ,and my assistant, Nurse Harley, should be able to help you.” He turns, his soles squeaking on the linoleum floor as he paces out of the room. 

“So,” Jeff kicks the chair closer and drops down into it. He slouches deep into the chair and slings his arms over the chair’s arms, making the uncomfortable looking chair look anything but. “Tell me everything; I want to know how you ended up in Jensen’s bed,” JD smirks. 

“I was hiking, I tripped, I fell, and Jensen found me.” Jared says, cutting the story down to just the important parts. 

“He just...found you?”

“I guess,” Jared shrugs. “How else would he have known I was there?”

“Well, let’s be glad he did. You wouldn’t have survived the night if he hadn’t.”

That thought, something Jared hadn’t considered before, chills him slightly. He’d felt safe with Jensen, even when his temperature had started to rise. He’d known Jensen was looking after him. He doesn’t even want to think about what would have happened if he’d been left alone in the woods. 

“The doc says I can leave in a couple of days,” Jared changes the subject quickly. “I was hoping, I mean...if you don’t mind...”

“Spit it out kid.”

“Could you take me back to Jensen’s?” He asks. “I’ve got to rest and recover somewhere, doctor’s orders, and he’s the only person I know.”

JD sighs, revealing his more serious side, “I don’t know, Jared.”

“I can pay.”

“It’s not...look,” JD runs a hand through his hair. “There’s a reason Jensen lives alone. He’s not good with people.”

“I know.” Jensen had been awkward, nervous around him when Jared had first woken up in his cabin. He doesn’t need to be an expert on human behaviour to know that Jensen’s not used to people in his house. “I know this is going to sound strange, or clichéd, or whatever, but there’s something about Jensen that I...me and him? We’ve started something that wasn’t given a chance to finish.” Jared thinks about the chess game, thinks about Jensen’s eyes and the expanse of damp skin he’d shown off after his shower. He never got to say goodbye, never got to understand Jensen the way he knows somehow that he needs to. 

He doesn’t know how he finds himself explaining this to a complete stranger, but it somehow works. “Okay,” JD nods, “I’ll take you...but I won’t let you pay me.”

Jared smiles triumphantly, “Thanks.”

JD leaves not long after, promising to return in a couple of days. Jared spends his days sleeping, flicking through old magazines that are a month old, and watching the clock, counting down the hours until JD returns. 

“What made you change your mind?” Jared asks ten minutes into the journey back to Jensen’s.  He glances in the rear view mirror after they’ve driven over a particular nasty pothole in the road to make sure his backpack has survived the bump. There is no way he’s going to subject the box to the dirt track roads, and so he’s taken it out of the back pack and is holding it tightly on his lap, thankful that JD doesn’t ask about it. His new pair of crutches is also stowed away in the back of the truck. Jared hates them, they’re uncomfortable and slow him down, but after trying to walk on his fractured ankle, he quickly learnt his lesson and he’s promised Doctor Peter’s that he’ll use them. 

“I’ve known Jensen five years now, and all I know about the man is that he makes kick ass furniture and prefers no company. I can’t explain it.”

“Explain what?”

“What made me drive up to Jensen’s that day...but I did, and there’s Jensen, looking exhausted sure, but more than that, he was worried...about you.”

“Yeah?”

JD glances over to Jared briefly, then turns his eyes back to the road. “I’ve never seen Jensen like that,” he continues as they turn onto another road that looks exactly the same as the others; a single track, just big enough for one car, and surrounded by tall thick trees that almost block out the light. “I don’t believe in destiny and all that shit, but maybe, just maybe, Jensen was meant to find you.”

Jared hasn’t thought about it like that before, and the thoughts keep him silent for the rest of the journey. If Jensen is running from something, maybe it’s up to him to find out what that is and help him. How, Jared has no idea, but there has to be a reason why returning to Jensen’s feels so right, why he can’t stop thinking about the man. 

“Hey, we’re here”

Jared is snapped out of his thoughts and he blinks twice, slowly looking up at the cabin. It’s strange, looking at the building from the outside, so unfamiliar to him, but yet so Jensen at the same time. 

“Stay, I’ll go knock,” JD orders. Jared throws open the car door, but stays in his seat as he watches JD stroll over to the front door. He knocks and waits, looking back at Jared with a shrug when there’s no answer. “He’s probably taken Sadie for a walk,” JD guesses. 

“I’ll wait,” Jared decides, sliding off the seat and putting all his weight on his good ankle. 

“You sure? I’m not keen on leaving you out here alone; you’ve only just been discharged from the clinic”

“I’ll be fine, I promise.”

JD looks on disbelievingly, but then slowly pulls Jared’s crutches out of the back, handing each one to Jared. He picks up the backpack, slings it over one shoulder, and takes the wooden box from Jared’s reluctant hands. He takes both to the front door, leaving the bag on the ground and the box on the doorstep, away from the dirt. Jared follows slowly after JD, one awkward step at a time. 

Before JD leaves, he digs around in the glove compartment and pulls out a satellite phone. “For emergencies; my number’s on the back.” He pushes it into Jared’s hand. “I know Jensen lives in the dark ages, so I don’t want to leave you out here with no way of contacting anyone again. Just in case.”

JD leaves Jared alone with a wave and a smile, promising once again to return in a couple of days, this time to deliver supplies and make sure everything’s okay. Before he leaves, Jared adds a couple of extra things to Jensen’s usual shopping list. He’s always had a healthy appetite, and he doesn’t want to eat Jensen out of house and home.

He’s left alone with his thoughts for a long time, and he finds himself growing nervous about Jensen’s arrival. He doesn’t know how Jensen will react to his return. Will he let him in, or just tell him to fuck off out of there? A distant barking, which slowly grows louder, tells him he’s about to find out. He clambers slowly to his feet and watches the woods for any movement. 

He hears twigs and leaves crunch, and then the thumping of footsteps as Sadie comes running out of the brush towards him at full speed. Jared braces himself against the door as Sadie flies at him, her front paws landing on his waist, her tail wagging back and forth, showing off her excitement. 

“Sadie!” Jared hears Jensen shout. “Sadie!” Jensen finally appears from the woods and stops short beside a tree as he sees Jared. His face stays passive, not giving any sort of reaction to Jared’s presence. Nothing to tell Jared if it was a good idea to just surprise Jensen, or a completely terrible one. 

“Hi,” he calls across the road. 

“Hi,” Jensen finally speaks to him, finally moves towards Jared. “What...what are you doing here, Jared?”

“I’m sorry,” Jared quickly apologises, sensing he’s about to be turned away. “I just thought...I’m under doctors orders to rest for a couple of weeks, let my body heal....you’re the only person I know around here. I was hoping...maybe that you’d let me stay?”

Jensen doesn’t speak, has no idea what to say. The last person he expected to see again was Jared. The whirlwind that was Jared blew through him and out again, so fast that Jensen ended up with emotional whiplash. He doesn’t know if he’s prepared to go through all that again. He leans forward and pulls Sadie off Jared with a tug on her collar. 

“I can sleep on the couch, and I can pay,” Jared offers. 

Jensen’s face darkens. “I don’t want your money.” He passes Jared and pushes open the unlocked door. Sadie runs in, disappearing inside, and Jensen makes his way to follow. He stops in the doorway and sighs. He’d seen the crutches lying on the floor beside Jared’s feet, knows he’s far from one hundred percent healthy. He can’t leave him outside in the cold, not when he’s worked so hard to keep him alive in the first place. 

 “You coming in then?” He finally says. He doesn’t know if he’s made the right decision, but there’s something inside Jared that’s still hurting, that still needs fixing. 

Jared grins at him and bends down to retrieve his crutches. Jensen steps back to let Jared in, unable to stop himself from smelling the clean fresh version of Jared, one he’d yet to encounter. The smell, the smile, sends shivers down his spine. He picks up Jared’s bag, tucks the box under one arm, and follows Jared into the house, hoping to God he doesn’t regret this.            

 

**********

 

Five minutes go by without a single word. The only sound is Sadie’s heavy panting as she gets over the excitement of another person to play with. She drops down onto her belly beside Jared’s feet as soon as he sits on the couch and refuses to move. 

Jensen’s still trying to get used to Jared’s emotions, frustrated that he was so close to feeling normal again, until Jared returned. The pain is less than before, he should be thankful for that, but he still hates feeling this way. 

“You should get some rest, can’t be good for you to be up and about so soon after being discharged,” Jensen says finally. 

“I’ve been in bed for days,” Jared moans. 

“You want to have to go back to the doctor because you haven’t been looking after yourself?” Jensen realises how much he sounds like his own mother and shivers involuntarily. 

“I’ll be fine on the couch,” Jared reassures him, patting the cushion beside him. 

“Fine,” Jensen lifts himself up and out of the armchair. “But you’re sleeping in my bed at night, no arguments.”

“It’ll easier if I stay down here. It’s going to take me forever to get up those stairs with these crutches,” he reminds Jensen, motioning to the crutches propped up against the couch beside him.

“Jared, you’re at least twice the size of the sofa, you won’t fit on it, and you won’t get a decent night’s sleep.”

“And you’re small enough to fit on it, are you?” Jared points out with a raised eyebrow. “Jensen, seriously, I can’t let you give up your bed again, it’s not fair on you. It’s your house.”

“But I didn’t nearly die,” Jensen reminds him. “I’m not...” he sighs and his eyes fall to the floor. “I’m not going through all that again, please don’t make me.” He doesn’t need to look up to know that Jared’s staring at him. Jensen can feel his gaze burning straight through him, making Jensen feel completely naked. Why did it have to be Jared that he’d found in the words? Jared, who could get under his skin, over the ten foot wall he’d built around himself, like it was no higher than a picket fence. 

“Okay,” Jared says softly, staring at the same spot on the floor. He can’t say no to Jensen. 

“Okay,” Jensen parrots, letting out a long sigh. “I’m gonna get some work done, got a table to finish. You need anything before I go?”

“A glass of water would be good,” Jared replies, knowing it’ll be time to take his medication soon. “And some reading material, otherwise I might just go crazy here.”

“You’re the one that chose to come back here,” Jensen reminds him as he enters the kitchen area and pulls a clean glass off the shelf. He places the water down on the table beside Jared and disappears into a cupboard, returning with a stack of books.”It’s mostly DIY books, but there’s a couple of fiction books in the pile, can’t say I remember if they’re any good.” He shrugs. He doesn’t really read much. He’s not good at just sitting and doing nothing, he has to be doing something; walking, making something. He doesn’t even remember where the books came from. 

“Better than nothing, thanks.”  

“Just shout if you need the bathroom or anything, I’m not too far away.”

Jared blushes at the thought of Jensen helping him in the bathroom but nods. He relaxes back on the couch when Jensen disappears, the back door clicking shut behind him. It’s not hard to make himself at home when he’d felt at home the moment he arrived. For someone who doesn’t like people, Jensen’s certainly created a welcoming home, warm, comfortable, and relaxing. It’s filled with the same chunky homemade furniture as the bedroom, the couch cushions match the walls, which are painted a warm terracotta colour, and for someone so closed off, the open plan kitchen, dining and living area certainly say a lot about Jensen. 

He props his bad leg up on the coffee table, sliding a cushion underneath, and digs into the pile of books beside him.  Nothing really catches his eye, but he spends an hour going through the pile, skim reading chapters, and flicking through step by step pictures of how to put up a shelf or make a window box. After taking his pills, he pulls a newspaper out of his backpack. JD had handed it to him before they’d set off to Jensen’s that morning. Jared had just stuffed it into his bag without thinking about it, but obviously JD knew better than he did that he’d need something to read. He reads every article to the sound of the trees in the wind, ripples of the lake outside, and the clashes and bangs of Jensen toiling away in his workshop. 

*********

Jensen manages to slam the hammer down on his thumb twice, sand skin off his palm, and accumulate a splinter in each finger in the two hours he spends in the workshop. He’s never been so clumsy in his life, but having Jared back in his life so unexpectedly has put him off his game and completely distracted him. He gives up after stubbing his toe on his workbench. The table is looking wrong, and there’s no point in continuing until he’s got his head on straight. His stomach rumbles, telling him it’s time for lunch, and he follows Sadie outside and back into the house. 

He bypasses Jared without a glance in his direction and strides into the kitchen. He pushes his dusty grey hands under the hot tap and washes away the dirt until the water runs clear again. He reaches across for a towel and dries his hands quickly, leaving them a little damp. 

As he turns to face his new houseguest, his eyes land on the newspaper Jared’s holding open in front of him, hiding his face. 

“Psychic registration bill moves one step further” stares back at him, the big black letters taunting him. He doesn’t need to be reminded of this, not now. He might live far from anyone, might distance himself from people like him, hide what he truly is, but it doesn’t mean the world’s reaction to people like him doesn’t sting. He has nightmares sometimes, men dressed in black combat gear and big guns force their way into his house late in the night. He sees them climbing the stairs and dragging him from his bed. They force him outside into the rain in his underwear. They call him names and beat him to the ground, before chaining him up like an animal. 

 

_1993_

_What eighteen year old hides in their closet? Jensen wonders as he pulls his knees up to his chest and drops his head back against the wall supporting him. It’s completely dark in the small space, save for the sliver of light at the bottom of the door. The air vent in the back of the closet connects to a similar air vent in the kitchen, which means he can listen in on the arguments his parents have. They’ve been fighting more and more, and Jensen knows he’s always the topic. He has been ever since this thing started, ever since he began feeling things._

_He can feel their anger coursing through him like fire, and underneath it all he can feel their fear of him. It’s been such a long time since he’s been something other than a problem, and he wishes he could remember what it was like for his mom to look at him with love, not fear and dismay. His father can barely look him in the eye anymore. He doesn’t even bother telling his parents that he’s gay; they’re more than ashamed of him enough already._

_He’d give anything to stop being this way, stop feeling every argument, every lustful feeling his brother has for the latest girl in his life, and every other feeling that he’s forced to feel. He’s written them all down, went through the dictionary and collected all the emotions in a notepad, just so he can put a name to the feeling being forced on him._

_“What else can we do, Donna? We’ve tried everything else!”_

_“Well, we obviously haven’t looked hard enough! Someone has to know what’s wrong with him!”_

_Ten doctors, that’s how many he’s been paraded in front of, and it’s only a matter of time before he’s paraded in front of number eleven. Neurologists, psychotherapists, every specialist in the country has poked and prodded him, and asked him a thousand questions. He swears his father even tried calling up the FBI to see if the X-files really existed, as he had a really unexplainable phenomenon of his own right upstairs. None of them had answers._

_“This is all your fault!”_

_“How is it my fault?” Donna demands, her voice rising, sending sharp pains up Jensen’s back._

_“You did this somehow, when you were pregnant with him....what was it, huh? Cigarettes? Drugs?”_

_Jensen hears a slap, skin hitting skin “How dare you!”_

_“We can’t keep going on like this, Donna! We can’t keep pretending everything is normal when our son’s a freak!”_

_Freak._

_He was almost getting used to the word. Almost._

_“I don’t know what to do anymore Alan!” His mother cries. He doesn’t need to see or hear it to feel the salty tear running down her red cheek._

_There’s nothing they can do, Jensen knows that. It feels permanent, even if he doesn’t fully understand what ‘it’ is._

_His life is his bedroom now. They’ve taken him out of school, confined him to the house, where no one can find out. He’s mostly left alone, for which he’s actually grateful. His family don’t know how to deal with him, which just creates awkward silences. They know he can feel their emotions, and it makes them paranoid. They try to hide it, but they don’t really know how to. Their faces might be calm, but they’re not calm inside, and Jensen can feel their emotions like most people read books._

_“There’s still one option.”_

_Jensen holds his breath and presses his ear to the air vent. This is news to him._

_“MountainView Psychiatric Hospital.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“There are no other options, and we can’t keep living like this! He needs to be kept away from people.”_

_Locked away, drugged up to the eyeballs. That’s not a life worth living._

_Donna is crying, “I can’t believe it’s come to this!”_

_“I’ll phone the hospital first thing in the morning.”_

_The anger is too much and his hands curl into tight fists, his skin turning a shocking white. He lifts his right hand and throws it at the wall in front of him with such force, he feels shockwaves shoot up his arm. He’s broken something, that’s obvious from his inability to move his quickly swelling hand._

_His parents are forced to take him to the hospital, and Jensen ignores the disappointed looks they send his way in the waiting room. He’s too focused on trying to push away the overwhelming mass of emotions. There’s everything, bombarding him at once. Pain, fear, happiness, sadness, confusion, anger, love and hate. His body shakes uncontrollably, and by the time he’s taken back to be seen he’s practically catatonic. He scares the doctors and they try to admit him. They want to run scans and do a million tests that ten other doctors have already performed on him._

_Once his hand is confined in plaster and he’s drugged up to the eyeballs, his parents sign him out against medical advice and drive him home. He wakes three days later, a two day old sandwich sitting on his nightstand and a bottle of pills beside it. Jensen takes two pills and falls back to sleep._

_When he wakes again, he packs up his belongings with his good hand, slings the bag over his shoulder, and leaves his home without looking back._

 

**********

Without the substantial inheritance from his grandmother, which he’d been able to access as soon as he turned twenty one, he’d probably be on the streets right now, doing God knows what. Jensen doesn’t even want to consider it...or the family he left behind a long time ago. 

“What’s that?” Jensen finds himself asking, swallowing hard and leaning heavily on the work surface behind him. 

Jared lowers the paper and peers over the top of it. “Don’t tell me you don’t know what a newspaper is?” He teases. “How far back in the dark ages do you live?”

“I mean where did you get it from? I didn’t order the paper from JD.”

Jared frowns, “Don’t you like to know what’s going on in the world?”

“Why?” Jensen returns. “It’s all doom and gloom. It’s dead bodies and war and politics...and that.” He nods to the front page. 

Jared folds the paper in half, reads the headline, and looks up at Jensen. “Does it scare you? Knowing there are people that can read your mind, know your deepest darkest secrets?”

Do psychics scare Jensen? No. Do humans scared of psychics scare him? Just a little bit. People fear what they don’t understand, and soon that fear may well turn into hatred. People will take the law into their own hands, and people like himself will be hunted. He might not even be safe tucked away on his own. He doesn’t answer Jared’s question. “Does it scare you?”

“I thought it might” Jared answers honestly “But I don’t exactly have a lot to hide. It all depends on who’s wielding the power, right? In the wrong hands, it can be dangerous, but surely in the right hands, it’s a gift?”

Jensen snorts, “With great power comes great responsibility?” He was never one for comic books or action films. There’s no such thing as superheroes. 

“To tell you the truth,” Jared begins, discarding the newspaper. “I kind of envy ‘em.”

“Envy who?” Jensen asks. 

“Psychics! It must be so cool to have that kind of power.”

 “Cool?” Jensen repeats in disbelief.

Jared’s eyes are wide with naivety. “To feel special! To be part of something, something bigger than you can imagine.”

Jared doesn’t understand what it’s like, but Jensen can’t help the anger that bubbles up inside him. 

“What I wouldn’t give to be able to move things with my mind, or predict the future!” 

He snaps. “It’s not a gift, it’s not special, it’s nothing but a curse, okay? We’re freaks! Destined to spend the rest of our lives defending ourselves from idiots who think we’re a step down in evolution. Why the hell would you want to be a part of that?”  

Jared’s mouth is open, his wide eyes portraying shock. 

“Fuck!” He swears, as he finally realises what he’s said. 

He runs. He walks straight back out the back door, with Jared’s eyes burning into his back. Jared doesn’t call after him, and Jensen doesn’t turn back.                

 

***********

 

Jensen loses himself in the woods, running like he’s being chased. He looks over his shoulder as he sidesteps a large tree and stumbles over a protruding root. He trips and lands on his hands and knees. His hands tremble as he pulls himself up into a sitting position, and then leans back against the tree trunk. Looking down at his muddied hands and knees, he tries to work out what exactly went wrong. Why, after years of keeping his secret so well hidden, he makes the mistake of letting his mouth run on before his brain has a chance to stop him. He kicks himself for being so stupid, for letting Jared’s comments get to him like that. Is it Jared? Is there something about Jared that makes Jensen want to tell him? Maybe somewhere deep down inside, he wants someone to know, needs someone to understand him, and his subconscious brain’s chosen Jared for some reason. 

It was stupid of him to run, he knows that. What if Jared needs help getting upstairs to the bathroom, or he loses his balance and falls while Jensen’s not there, and can’t get back up again? Problem is, Jensen can’t face Jared. The looks he used to get from his family are still vivid in his mind, and he can’t handle getting the same stares, the same fear, from Jared. He likes Jared, that much is obvious to him, no matter how much he tries to deny it. There’s something about the younger man that brings out another side of him. It’s the only explanation for why he’s let the man into his home, not once but twice, and why, even when he was gone, he couldn’t get Jared out of his head. The heat in Jared’s eyes when he, Jensen, had stepped out of the shower still sends shivers down his spine. 

Thoughts race through his head until it hurts, his overactive imagination playing every single possible outcome. Will he return to find Jared’s called the cops and the local newspapers? Will Jared even still be waiting for him when he returns? With one hand bracing his head, the other pressed against his heart, he slumps over and shuts his eyes. He finds it ironic that someone that can feel a hundred different feelings at once, know someone’s pain or happiness, and make someone feel that same pain or happiness, can’t even handle his own emotions. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen, not ever. Now Jared knows the truth, and God knows what that means for Jensen.

*********

Jensen vanishes before Jared’s brain has a chance to catch up. Jensen being a psychic was the last thing Jared had ever thought he’d hear coming from Jensen’s mouth. But now he knows, certain things about Jensen are starting to make sense. 

Part of him wants to chase after Jensen, the other part doesn’t know how to react, but with Jared on crutches, it’s clear which side of him wins out. He sits still, stunned by the confession, and tries to work out what this means for them both. 

Thoughts and questions enter his mind fleetingly and then disappearing, only for new questions to replace them. Has Jensen ever used his powers on him? Was he dangerous? Was he even in control of his powers? There have certainly been stories in the newspapers about out of control psychics, and it would certainly explain why Jensen lives on his own and refuses most human contact.

He should be making a clean getaway whilst Jensen is gone. He should be calling JD up right now and getting the hell out of Dodge, but for some reason he has no desire to run. He’s not scared of Jensen, far from it. This is a man who seemed afraid of him when they first met, someone who nursed him and kept him alive, carried him fully clothed into a lake in order to save his life. This is a man who welcomed him back into his home, and whom Jared can’t seem to get out of his head. Not that he wants to remove Jensen from his thoughts. Jensen makes him forget, just for a moment, that Jeff’s gone, and he can’t give that up, he can’t give up on Jensen. 

*********

When he starts to shiver, he knows it’s time to return home. He takes each step slowly, delaying the inevitable as he tries to work out what the hell he’s going to say to Jared. Even when the house comes into sight, he has no idea what words to use to explain what he is and what he can do. He’s still not ready for Jared’s reaction, and closing in on his location hasn’t made things any clearer. His powers have always been more temperamental when his own emotions are added to the mix, so he has no idea what he’s going to be facing. 

Even when the heavens open and it starts to pour down with rain, he’s unable to take those last few steps into the house. He drops down onto the bench and stares at the rain hitting the lake, as the same rain soaks through his thin shirt and flattens his hair. 

“Jensen?”  He hears Jared call his name from behind him. He doesn’t move, can’t look round to see Jared standing in the doorway staring at his back. “Please Jensen, come out of the rain!” He shouts over the sound of rain hitting the house, hitting the trees. “Don’t make me come out there!”

Jensen nearly killed himself keeping Jared alive, and the last thing Jensen wants is for Jared’s healing to get set back from being cold and wet. He’s not going to be responsible for Jared’s health getting any worse. He stands and makes his way towards Jared, his shoulders hunched and his eyes focused on the slowly muddying ground beneath his feet. Jared shuffles back on his crutches just enough to let Jensen through. The tables are turned as Jared helps a distraught Jensen into the house, ignoring his own injuries to look after the psychic.  “Jesus, Jensen!” he says as he surveys the damage. 

“Is that your subtle way of saying I look like crap?” Jensen croaks. 

“I wasn’t trying to be subtle,” Jared returns. “Go sit down,” he says, making sure Jensen knows it’s not a request. Jensen does as he’s told, not caring that he’s getting his couch wet. Jared follows him at a slower pace and manoeuvres himself until he’s sitting beside Jensen. Grabbing the throw from along the back of the couch, he wraps it gently around Jensen’s shoulders, unable to watch him shiver anymore. He can’t even begin to know what’s going on inside the other man’s head. Jensen’s mother of all secrets has just been revealed, and it’s not something that can go back in its box. His face is pale, almost translucent, and it makes Jared worry.

“Shhh” Jensen feels a warm hand on his shoulder, and he flinches under the gentle touch as the blanket is wrapped around him. His hands grip the edges of the blanket like his life depends on it. He pulls it tighter and shuts his tired eyes, “It’s okay.” 

“I’ve never,” Jensen croaks.

“Never what?” Jared asks calmly. 

“Told anyone...about...it.” He slowly opens his eyes, refusing to look at Jared. 

“I’m not scared, Jensen.”

Jensen resists the urge to laugh at that. He knows Jared isn’t scared, he’d be able to feel it if he was, he’s sure of that. 

“You don’t scare me, and you don’t have to worry about me telling anyone. I promise.” 

Jensen doesn’t say anything for a long time as he processes everything. He’s tried so hard to hide it, and for so long, that he’s let his secret weigh him down. Now someone knows, but the weight doesn’t feel any lighter. He feels like he’s going to be sick. 

“Talk to me Jensen... come on, you’re a psychic, read my mind, then you’ll know you can trust me.”

Jensen shakes his head, “I have no idea what you’re thinking.”

“Okay,” Jared says slowly. He’s bound to make assumptions, ask stupid questions. This is all still new to him. “Then what can you do?”

Jensen doesn’t speak.

 “Look at me,” Jared asks, repeating the question with more force when Jensen doesn’t move a muscle. Slowly, Jensen straightens his back and twists his neck around until his eyes meet Jared’s. For once, Jensen can’t feel Jared’s grief, and he realises that it’s because, for the briefest moment, Jared’s completely focused on Jensen.  

Time passes in silence. It’s not awkward, but Jared feels all too aware of himself as Jensen’s guarded eyes follow him when he lifts himself back up to his feet and heads into the kitchen. He grabs a glass off the shelf, and an unopened bottle of whisky from the bottle rack below. He holds onto them tightly as he limps back over to the couch, trying not to fall over on the way. The bottle and glass is placed on the coffee table in front of Jensen, and Jared opens the cap and pours a generous amount into the glass. 

“Drink.”

Jensen’s working on autopilot as he lifts the glass to his lips and knocks back the strong alcohol in one gulp. He grimaces as the liquid burns down his throat and warms his belly. 

“Feel better?”

Jensen shakes his head and slams the glass down. “Again.”

Jared hesitates, not wanting to have this conversation with a drunken Jensen, but pours anyway, though not filling it up as much as last time. He puts the lid back on the bottle as Jensen downs the second glass without hesitation. 

“I know it can’t be easy holding it all in...I just want to help...please.” Jared gets silence once again. “Do you trust me Jensen?”

For some unexplainable reason Jensen does trust Jared, which only means he has farther to fall if that trust is broken. He prays to God that won’t happen.  “I,” Jensen begins. His eyes slowly lift up to meet Jared’s. His back is against the wall, and he has no way out of the conversation. If he’s going to talk, he might as well tell the full story. Jared doesn’t look at him like his brain should be dissected and studied, which is more than can be said for his family. I can do this, he reassures himself. He sucks in a deep breath and talks. “I feel...emotions, whatever a person is feeling at that moment.”

“Like anger? Fear?”

“All of them,” Jensen sighs. “Every single goddamn emotion ever given a name.”

Jared ignores the bitterness in Jensen’s voice, “That’s....wow.”

“I can transmit emotions too,” he admits. 

 Jared looks back at him in confusion, “I don’t...” He shakes his head. 

 “Make people feel things...I don’t do it on purpose, sometimes it just happens and I can’t really control it. Not that I want to, because it’s just- I know what it’s like having emotions forced on you. I can’t...won’t, do that to somebody else.” One minute he’s a mute, and the next minute he can’t stop talking. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. 

“So that’s why you live out here on your own? To keep the emotions down a minimum?” Jared guesses. 

Jensen nods, “I like the peace and quiet...and JD? JD’s perpetually happy so...” he trails off and shrugs. His eyes fall back down to his hands, clasped tightly together between his legs like he’s holding himself down. 

“What about me?” Jared finds himself asking, with some sick sense of curiosity. “What am I feeling?” 

“Jared,” Jensen groans. 

Jared swallows hard, “That bad?”

Jensen runs his clammy hand down his face, rubbing at his eyes, “Please don’t.” 

Jared stares at Jensen with determination, “Tell me.” 

 “You really want to know, huh?” Jensen’s eyes darken at Jared’s stubbornness. He knows he shouldn’t say anything, but he remembers how cool Jared thought being a psychic was, and there’s a part of him that wants to teach Jared a lesson about what being a psychic really means.  “You’re grieving... there’s an uncontrollable sadness inside you, a hole in your heart that you have no idea how to fill. You’re lost, going through the motions and hoping no one will notice...there’s so much pain and sadness inside you Jared that you can’t control it. You’re scared you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone. Is that what you wanted to hear? ”

Jared’s eyes fall shut and his stomach twists as raw memories resurface. He thought he was prepared for what Jensen had to say, but his tight throat and wet eyes say differently. It’s too soon to be hearing the truth and having it hit so close to home. He sniffs and wipes away the wetness with the back of his hand. 

“I’m sorry,” Jensen apologises as he tries to suppress the guilt. Saying what he did was a mistake, he knew Jared wasn’t ready to hear it, and yet he couldn’t stop himself. 

“No,” Jared shakes his head, “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault you feel like that.”

“No,” Jared agrees. “But I’m making you feel it too.”

Jensen frowns at Jared’s comment, unable to understand why he would even care about that. “I’ve dealt with worse....try sitting in a psychiatrist’s waiting room, or having to stay overnight in a hospital,” he attempts to shrug it off as nothing. 

“God,” Jared chokes, unable to even understand what that must be like for Jensen. “How long?”

“How long what?”

“Have you been able to do this?”

Jensen shrugs, “Not sure...I think a part of me has always been sensitive to people’s emotions. My mom told me once that, as a baby, I cried whenever my parents had an argument.” He hasn’t thought about his childhood in a while, how all the unexplained moments in his life warned him of the power yet to come. There are other empaths in the world, he’s heard about them, even from his self imposed solitude, but so far he hasn’t heard of one who can transmit emotions too. That makes him a telempath, and as far as Jensen can see, the only one in the world. He doesn’t tell Jared that. “I was twelve when I first realised I was different...sixteen when my parents first sent me to a doctor.”

“How many doctors?”

Jensen clears his throat. “A lot,” he says, refusing to go into detail. He’s shared a lot today, but there’re some things he’s not ready to talk about, if ever. “I should probably go take a shower, warm up a bit.” He quickly changes the subject before Jared can ask any more questions. Standing, he drops the sodden blanket down onto the floor at his feet and makes his way to the stairs. 

“I’ll be here,” Jared calls after him, and Jensen stops mid-step. “When you’re ready...I’m not going anywhere.”

 With his back facing Jared, he nods slowly and disappears up the stairs, Jared listening to every creaking step. 

*********

Jared hears the shower start, the pipes creaking as hot water floods through them, and wonders why he’s not more shocked by Jensen’s confession. He’s surprised, awed by it all, but he doesn’t have that spine tingling, adrenaline filled, sheer sense of shock. 

Jensen’s words repeat in his head like a broken record, and a deep sadness fills him as he realises Jensen’s powers have meant he’s had to live most of his life alone, not just physically, but mentally, unable to let anyone in...until he came along. He’s been alone for a month; Jensen’s been alone for most of his life. 

He’s glad that he knows. From the first time he’d met Jensen, he’d seen an incomplete puzzle needing to be solved, and now he’s found that final piece and everything is slotting into place...even him. He just hopes Jensen won’t push him away now. It would be so easy for Jensen to put his walls back up and pretend like nothing’s changed between them. Jared’s not about to let that happen, not when they’ve both come this far. 

With unwavering resolve, he shuffles towards the stairs and makes his way up them step by excruciatingly slow step. He holds on to the rail tightly and pulls himself up, foregoing his crutches completely, knowing Jensen’ll probably tell him off later because of it. He doesn’t care, he knows now, what he has to do. He needs to show Jensen that his admission doesn’t change anything, that he doesn’t think differently of the older man, that, in fact, it only makes him like Jensen more. 

The bathroom is silent when Jared hops into Jensen’s bedroom, but Jensen’s nowhere in sight, so there’s nowhere else he could be. He leans against the wall, taking the weight off his ankle, and waits. 

*********

Jensen stays in the shower until the deep chill is gone. Closing his eyes, he lets the water pelt down his face and over his shoulders, enjoying the heat. He tries to relax, tries to forget the last couple of hours, but it’s not easy. Especially when he knows he still has to face Jared and the hundreds of questions he’s sure Jared’s thought up in the small space of time that Jensen’s been gone. 

He steps out of the shower before the water gets cold and dries himself off quickly, not wanting to be wet any longer. He ignores the steamed up mirror on the wall, he knows he looks like crap and doesn’t need a reminder of it. Instead, he pulls on a pair of sweats, ties up the drawstring, and throws a dry towel around his neck. Taking one deep breath of humid air, he unlocks the door and steps out into the colder bedroom. 

“Hi.” 

Jensen stops. He turns to see Jared waiting for him, his whole body leaning up against the wall. Jensen’s breath hitches for a moment because it’s a beautiful sight. 

“What are you doing up here?” He asks softly. His heart starts to beat fast in his chest as Jared limps forward until he’s inside Jensen’s personal space. Jensen’s frozen on the spot, unable to speak, unable to think, as Jared’s hand lifts and cups the side of his neck, his thumb trailing along his jaw, and his fingers pressed against the short, wet hairs at the back of Jensen’s neck. “Jay,” Jensen whispers. 

“Can you feel it?” Jared breathes against Jensen’s cheek. 

“Feel what?”

Jared’s eyes fall shut. “Me,” he answers, brushing his lips against Jensen’s.               

 

*********

 

Jared doesn’t pull away straight away and lets the kiss linger for as long as possible. It never goes any further than a press of lips, but Jared’s been dreaming about those lips since he first set eyes on Jensen, and it’s worth the wait. A smile spreads across Jared’s face as he finally pulls back, and he can’t help but lean forward for more. The moment is broken when Jensen takes a deliberate step back as Jared chases for another kiss. 

“Jared,” he presses his tingling lips together tightly and tries to stop his body from responding. It’s not easy; Jared is tall and imposing and smells impossibly good.

Jared’s amazed how Jensen can make his name sound like an apology, like a rejection, like a big fat no, all in two syllables. His heart sinks. “You don’t want me.”

“It’s not...Jared, we can’t.”

“Why not?” Jared doesn’t understand, this isn’t how it’s supposed to go. “I like you, Jen...and I think you like me too.”

“That’s the problem!” Jensen snaps. 

“Liking me is a problem?”

“Yes!” 

Jared flinches. “I see.”

“No,” Jensen shakes his head. “You really don’t,” he sighs and runs his hand through his damp hair. “It’s complicated.”

“Then explain.”

Jensen’s eyes fall shut, “I can’t.” 

It feels like they’re going around in circles. Jared tries not to feel frustrated, but it’s hard when Jensen refuses to give him a straight answer. He pushes away from the wall and drops down onto the edge of the bed. “We’ve got time.” He folds his arms across his chest stubbornly. 

Jensen rolls his eyes and turns silently, looking at the window like it’s a potential escape route. Jared has endless amounts of patience, and he plans to sit on the bed until Jensen speaks. 

“Why did you kiss me?” 

It’s the last thing Jared expects from Jensen’s mouth, and he stares at Jensen’s naked back in surprise. “Because I like you, and I wanted to.”

“No,” Jensen shakes his head. “Why now? Why after...after what I told you?”

“I...” Jared’s eyebrows furrow and he shakes his head. 

Slowly, Jensen turns to face Jared. “That’s what I thought” He sighs. He grabs one end of the towel and tugs until it slips from around his neck. It’s thrown in the direction of the bathroom, and he pads around the room to the drawers to pull out a t-shirt. He feels Jared’s eyes on him the whole time as skin is covered up.  He doesn’t speak, gives no explanation when he leaves the room and makes his way down the stairs. 

“Hey! Where are you going?” Jared shouts after him. He feels his confusion, his panic as he thinks Jensen’s about to run again. 

He returns quickly, surprising Jared when he arrives with a glass and two pills in one hand, and Jared’s crutches tucked under his other arm. He hands the pills and water over, making it clear that it’s not up for discussion. Jared swallows the medication without argument, and drinks all the water without taking a breath in between gulps. 

Jensen props the crutches up against Jared’s side of the bed and then sits down beside him. “Done?” Jared smacks his lips and nods, putting the empty glass down on the floor by his feet. Jensen sucks in a deep breath, lets it out slowly and begins. “I was eighteen when I left home...I was still getting a hold on my powers. I was young, didn’t understand what it meant to be a psychic.”

Now that Jensen’s talking, Jared’s not going to stop him. He doesn’t even want to breathe loudly in case Jensen stops. 

“By the time I hit twenty one, I was using my powers at gay clubs to pick out the guys who want me. I didn’t care who they were, as long as they were interested. They’d buy me drinks, pay for a taxi back to their place and...” Jensen doesn’t need to go any further, Jared gets the picture. Jensen licks his dry lips and continues. “Night after night I had the same routine...until one night I see this guy across the bar. He’s...” He swallows hard. “He was the hottest guy there by far...I knew he wasn’t interested in me, I could feel it, but I didn’t care, I wanted him....so I took him...made him want me.”

He finds it hard to continue, his throat too tight and the memories too fresh, but somehow he presses on. Jared needs to know the truth, needs to know why being with him is such a bad idea. He’s not a good person. He’s made mistakes, big ones, and now he’s paying for them, destined to spend the rest of his life alone. 

“I manipulated him Jared, I played with his emotions so that he would sleep with me and that’s...unforgivable,” he croaks.  “It was only in the morning that I realised what I’d done...I felt sick, couldn’t look him in the eye as I grabbed my clothes and fled his apartment.”

Jared clears his throat, “You were young...you-“

Jensen doesn’t let him finish, he doesn’t want to hear Jared making up excuses for him, he’s heard them all before, “I can never be sure you like me Jared, not when it’s so easy for me to make you like me...sometimes it just happens, whether I want it to or not. I can’t control it, any of it.” He finally lifts his head and meets Jared’s eyes. “So yeah, I like you, a lot, but I can’t trust myself around you...and you shouldn’t trust me.”

“Jen,” Jared attempt to cup Jensen’s cheek, but Jensen turns his head. He can’t let Jared touch him. He knows now that after that kiss, if he started he wouldn’t be able to stop. It’s taking every reserve of self restraint he has not to push Jared down on the bed and climb on top of him. 

“Do it...make me feel.”

Jensen’s eyes snap up sharply, “Don’t even...”

“Try it,” Jared persists. Jared might think it’s bravery, but to Jensen it’s just stupidity. “Make me laugh, make me cry.”

“It’s not just something I can turn on and off like a switch, Jared. I told you most of the time I have no control over it, and even if I could, I wouldn’t!”

Jared moves fast for someone with a broken ankle and more bruises and cuts than Jensen can count. One minute Jensen’s perched on the end of the bed, the next thing he knows, he’s laid flat out on the bed, with Jared straddling his waist. His wrists are grabbed tightly and held back against the covers above his head. 

“Jared” Jensen says slowly, a warning. His eyes are dark, and if Jared wasn’t injured, he’d be on the floor already. 

“Just once...I need to feel what it’s like.”

“Why?”

“So I know what it is if it ever happens...I’m not letting you up until you do.”

Jensen has no fight left in him. It’s been a long day of confessions and questions, and all he really wants is to be alone in his workshop so he can work through every tangled thought alone. He’s not going to get anywhere near his workshop until he does what Jared wants though. He’s not even sure he can do it; it’s been so long since he’s even tried. He closes his eyes slowly and focuses on Jared’s emotions, all his hurt and grief still hidden deep within him. Jared’s warm breath tickles his skin as he tries to push the pain away and replace it with happiness. His eyes scrunch up in concentration, but all he’s getting is the start of a headache. 

“Are you even trying?” Jared asks from above him. 

Jensen’s eyes snap open and he lets out the long breath he didn’t even realise he was holding. “I tried, alright? It’s not working.”

“Why not?” Jared frowns. 

“How the hell am I supposed to know?” Jensen snaps back a little grumpily. “I told you I can’t control it”

Their eyes lock for a split second before Jared releases Jensen’s wrists and he sits back slowly. “Maybe it’ll work when neither of us realise it, maybe it’ll never happen,” Jared speaks softly. “I’m willing to take the risk...because no matter what you might think, I do trust you.”

“Why?”Jensen demands. “How can you trust me when you barely know me? After what I told you? I’m just some guy who found you in the woods.”

“You saved my life,” Jared reminds him. “You could have left me out there, you could have given up on me when I got sick, but you didn’t...God, Jensen, You’re this amazing psychic who feels everything... you sat by my side, even when it meant feeling all my pain. You went through that for me, when I’m just some guy you found in the woods...there’s something about you that makes me shiver every time we touch, and makes my heart beat faster when you look at me and...” He’s cut off by Jensen’s hands cupping his face and pulling him down. Jensen lifts his head off the bed at the same time and their lips collide. The kiss is hard and bruising, Jensen taking control for the first time, holding Jared’s head firmly with both hands and rolling them over suddenly until Jared is underneath him. 

Jared gasps into his mouth and Jensen seizes the moment, sliding his tongue into Jared’s mouth and tasting. 

When air is scarce, they both pull away with breathy gasps. Jared’s swollen lips spread into a smile as he stares up at Jensen. “That’s more like it.” He lifts his hand and runs it over Jensen’s shoulder. He doesn’t press for more, doesn’t thrust up and relieve some of the tension like he wants to. It’s still early days, and Jensen’s still flighty. He wants this more than he can explain, and he has the time and the patience to make it work properly, to make Jensen see that he doesn’t care about his powers, or his past mistakes. “Tell me something.”

“Something?” Jensen parrots. 

“It’s not fair...you get to know what I’m feeling at all time, yet I have no idea what’s going on inside that head of yours.”

Jensen sighs as he slips off Jared and lies beside him. He stares at the ceiling for a long time, not knowing what to say. 

“Jensen?” Jared turns onto his side, facing Jensen. 

“We shouldn’t have done that....that’s what I’m feeling.” Once again he can’t help speaking the truth, like he can’t bear to lie to Jared, knowing he deserves more than silly answers and half truths. There’s something in Jared’s eyes, something so innocent, and Jensen doesn’t want him to lose that. 

Jared’s eyes dull. Mission failed. “Did I do something wrong? Did I push you too hard?”

“Hey!” Jensen sits up and forces Jared to look at him. “I want you, okay? There I admitted it; I fucking want you so much it hurts.”

“Then why are you...?”

Jensen cuts him off, “Because of Jeff, okay!” His comment is punctuated with an unexpected hit of grief, and he can’t help but press his hand to his heart and groan. “Fuck!”

“I’m sorry,” Jared apologises quickly. He knows what Jensen is feeling, it’s exactly the same thing he’s forced to go through when he thinks of Jeff. It’s not easy, but he forces the feelings down, tries to make himself feel happy instead. None of it feels right, but if it makes Jensen feel better, then Jared can put up with it. 

“Don’t,” Jensen glares at him. “Don’t do that! You think I can’t feel the difference?”

Jared frowns, “But it hurts you.”

“It hurts you too,” Jensen reminds him softly. 

Jared looks away. 

“I’m sorry Jared...If circumstances were different....but you’re not over his death, and I’m not going to be some convenient body to make you forget him. He was your brother, and you’re never fully going to get over his loss, but right now your head isn’t in the right place to start something. I’m not going to do that to you, and I’m certainly not going to put myself through that. It’ll only end in hurt, you know it will.”

Jensen’s right and Jared hates him for it. He’s been so consumed with getting Jensen into bed, was so convinced it was the right thing, he’s completely forgotten about Jeff, and that’s unforgivable. He doesn’t ever want to forget about his brother. 

“Don’t feel guilty,” Jensen tells him. 

“Don’t tell me what I’m already feeling,” Jared snaps back. 

Jensen sighs and turns to sit up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, his back hunched almost painfully over, his body too tired to keep himself upright any longer. Looking up, he’s surprised by the darkness outside the window. He hadn’t noticed the light fading away, he’s been too busy kissing and arguing.  

“It’s late,” he breathes. “I’m tired, I’m gonna,” Jensen trails off, too tired to even finish a sentence. 

“Yeah,” Jared croaks, understanding Jensen completely. 

Jensen pulls himself to his feet slowly, his spine clicking loudly as he arches his back. He trudges towards the bedroom door at a snail’s pace, the couch downstairs calling his name. He feels like he could sleep for years. 

“Wait!” Jared calls after him. Jensen stops and turns in the doorway. “Stay...please.”  Jensen opens his mouth, ready to reject Jared’s plea, but Jared gets there first. “Just to sleep. Look, it’s been a long day, we’ve both been through the wringer, and I can’t let you spend the night on that thing downstairs...just stay, okay?”

Jensen doesn’t move for a long time as his brain weighs up the pros and cons of both. If he sleeps on the couch he won’t have temptation sleeping next to him, but he’ll have a crick in his neck tomorrow. If he sleeps in bed with Jared, he’ll get a good night’s sleep...assuming he doesn’t ravish Jared in his sleep. One look in Jared’s eyes and the decision is made for him. He’s finding it harder and harder to resist Jared, and it’s driving him crazy. He wants to run away from the man that’s gotten so deep inside him, just as much as he wants to hold Jared close and never let him go. Infuriating and confusing. 

He nods, takes one step into the room and closes the door behind him. He climbs under the covers and turns onto his side facing away from Jared, giving him the privacy needed to change for bed. He feels the covers shift as Jared slips into bed. They lie there in complete silence, they’re both talked out; there’s nothing left to say, not tonight anyway. Jensen reaches across and switches the light off, plunging them into darkness. 

It’s strange, sharing his bed with someone else for the first time, hearing rustling sheets and slow even breaths that tickle his ear. He shifts onto his back, shuts his eyes tightly, and prays for sleep to come.           

 

************

 

Jensen’s eyes open to an expanse of creased white sheets. He blinks twice, and swipes at his tired eyes to wake himself up. With the same hand he reaches across the bed and feels the warm sheets. Jared, wherever he is, hasn’t been gone long. A groan escapes his lips as he turns over onto his back, every muscle protesting.  Glancing over at the alarm clock, he sees he’s been asleep for over ten hours, yet it still doesn’t seem enough. After an exhausting day like yesterday, he feels like he could sleep for a decade, and not just so he can escape facing Jared. 

He throws back the covers and swings his legs over the side. As the fog of sleep clears, he realises the bathroom door is closed and the shower is running. There’s no way Jared’s silly enough to have a shower with a cast on, or is he? He crosses to the closed door and knocks hard three times.

“Jared?”

“What?” Jared shouts through the wood and over the sound of the shower. 

“You okay in there? Need any help?”

“I’m fine!”

Jensen rests his forehead against the door and sighs. “You sure? You gotta keep your cast dry Jared.”

“I know!” Jared snaps at him. “I’m not an idiot!”

“I didn’t say you...” He stops, realising the conversation is only going to end up in an argument “I’ll make some breakfast, shout if you need help.”

There’s no reply, not that Jensen expected one. He changes quickly, pulling on his favourite pair of jeans. He’s had them so long the back pockets have fallen off, and there are two fairly large holes in the knees, but they’re comfortable, and it isn’t like he has many clothes shopping opportunities. JD brings him the occasional t-shirt and pack of socks when he asks, but living alone means you don’t really care what you look like. He grabs a clean t-shirt from the drawer and pulls it on, along with a faded black shirt, rolling the sleeves up to his elbows. 

He pads downstairs to a pacing Sadie, and tries to avoid tripping over her as he opens the back door to let her out. Jensen’s not worried when she runs into the woods; she knows the area well enough not to get lost, plus he knows she’ll be back for food in no time. 

His stomach reminds him Sadie’s not the only one who needs food. It feels like forever since he last ate. Jared must be just as hungry he realises, and he dives into the fridge for the eggs. He’s no gourmet chef, but he can whip up a great plate of scrambled eggs. 

For a moment it feels like nothing has changed, like Jared never appeared and turned his life upside down. It’s just him, Sadie, and a whole lot of forest. He works calmly, firing up the stove, cracking eggs into a pan, frying bacon in another. It’s almost ready when he hears the click-clomp-step sound of Jared limping down the stairs, his crutches stopping him from falling down them. 

“You need any…?”

Jared cuts him off with a huff and a curse. “I can manage,” he adds. 

Jensen throws his hands up in surrender, “I was just checking.” He turns and freezes. If he thought Jared looked good whilst lying injured in bed, he certainly looks good after a shower, his hair slicked back, his cheeks red, and his t-shirt pressed against his damp sculpted chest. Jensen gulps. 

Thankfully, Jared doesn’t notice, too focused on getting down the last couple of steps. By the time he looks up, Jensen has turned back around to stop the eggs from burning. He bends down to pull two plates out of the cupboard, and feels Jared’s lust directed at him. He twists his head and glares in Jared’s direction, who just stares back at him with innocent eyes, knowing exactly what he was doing. 

“Sit,” Jensen orders. “Breakfast is ready.” The toaster pops up just in time, and Jensen pulls the burning hot toast out, dropping it onto the plates with a hiss. The scrambled eggs are divided up, spooned over the toast, and Jensen finishes it off with the crispy bacon placed on the side. 

“Smells great,” Jared says as Jensen carries the two plates over to the table. Jared lowers himself slowly into his chair as Jensen returns to the counter to pour himself a cup of coffee, and gets a glass of water for Jared, tucking Jared’s medication under one arm. “Thanks for doing this.”

Jensen sends Jared a strange look as he puts the mug and glass down, dropping the paper bag of pills beside the glass. “Who else is gonna make you breakfast? Sadie?” 

Jared rolls his eyes, “You know what I mean. You didn’t have to take me in, look after me.”

“And I was supposed to leave you out in the cold with a broken ankle?” Jensen picks up his fork and stabs at his bacon with a little more force than necessary. “You’re not easy to say no to.” 

Jared smiles softly, “Jeff used to say that a lot...he said I had these damn puppy eyes that melted the coldest heart.” Jensen snorts, unsurprised by Jared’s comment, and Jared’s smile widens. “He was....” he stops, his voice trailing off as he realises he’s referring to his brother in the past tense. It’s a sobering reminder of everything, and he looks down at the greasy food in front of him, finding he doesn’t have the stomach for it anymore. 

“Tell me about him.” 

Jared’s lips press together tightly at the request. “I can’t,” he forces out. 

“You can’t?” Jensen frowns. “It’s too hard?”  He drops his knife and fork down onto the table with a clatter and sits back in his chair. “Fuck Jared, I told you my deepest darkest secrets. You know things about me that I’ve never told anyone, but that’s a cakewalk compared to what you’ve been through, right?”

“Fuck you! You have no idea!”

“I have no idea?” Jensen repeats incredulously. “I’m the one goddamn person on the planet who knows exactly what you’re feeling Jared, because I feel it too!” He sucks in a deep breath and counts to ten slowly. “Everything,” he finally says. “I feel it all.”

Jared pushes the scrambled egg around his plate until it looks more of a congealed mess of yellow than it already was. He can’t look at Jensen, not when he knows Jensen’s right. Jensen spent yesterday spilling his heart out to him, and yet he can’t do the same? This is Jensen, a man who understands him more than someone should for the amount of time they’ve known each other. 

Jensen might have only lived alone for the past six years, but Jared knows he’s been alone for a lot longer than that. He’s only had himself to rely on for most of his life. Untrusting, guarded, yet he’s let Jared in. It makes him feel special, and realises he wants Jensen to feel special too. He wants to be a part of Jensen’s life, and that means letting Jensen into his life.  Opening up, lowering the shield he's placed around his heart since Jeff’s death. He knows the shields need to come down. The longer they stay up, the harder it will be to bring them down again. If he doesn’t do it now, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever want to talk about it. 

“The day my brother got his driving licence, we snuck out of our foster parents’ house, stole their beat up station wagon, and just drove for hours.” 

Twenty six years of living with his brother, and it’s one night fourteen years ago that comes to the surface. Why that memory, why now, he has no idea. There are certainly more pivotal moments in their lives, but for some unknown reason, it’s what comes out of his mouth. 

“We stopped at this diner, gorged ourselves on ice cream sundaes and warm pie.” He smiles at the memory. It’s been so long since he thought about that night. “We were hyped up on sugar and life when we arrived back at the house, we were...happy; didn’t care that the foster parents had called the police, and there were two uniforms and a flashing squad car waiting for us in the driveway when we arrived back.” His smile transforms into a grin. “We were packed off to another pair of wannabe-parents the next day.”

His eyes finally lift up to meet Jensen’s and he sees compassion, the beautiful green eyes shining back at him in understanding.

“He risked so much....just to make me feel better because I’d had a crappy day at school...that’s the kind of brother he was.”

A hand reaches across the table and fingers slot through his own, squeezing slightly. “What happened Jared?” Jensen asks cautiously.

“He,” Jared swallows hard, licks his lips. “Cancer...a month ago.”

“I’m…”

“Don’t say you’re sorry,” Jared cuts him off. “You know how many people have told me they’re sorry? I don’t know why they say it, it’s not their fault my brother, my only family in the world, developed cancer.” Jared’s eyes itch, and he rubs at them until they’re red. 

“I’m still sorry....sorry you’re hurting, sorry you’ve been through so much. God I’m just...sorry.”

It’s over; Jared can’t hold it in any longer. He’s been squashing the hurt down for so long, it’s amazing he’s managed to hold it together. His hands shake uncontrollably as his face crumples and he lets out a sob. Jensen feels the same hurt deep inside him, feels the tears that want to escape his eyes, but it isn’t about him. This is about Jared. 

“Hey,” Jensen lets go of Jared’s hand for a second to circle the table and take the chair beside him. One hand reaches for Jared’s again, whilst the other slides over his shaking shoulders and pulls him tightly into Jensen’s embrace. Jared presses his nose into Jensen’s neck, and Jensen feels the cool moisture against his collarbone. 

Now the floodgates are open, it’s impossible for Jared to stop. He misses Jeff so much, and the thought of living the rest of his life without his brother there scares him. He barely hears the words Jensen murmurs, doesn’t feel the kisses Jensen presses to the crown of his head, or the hand which rubs gently up and down his arm. 

“Shhh, it’s okay, everything will be okay,” Jensen whispers into Jared’s hair as he feels every single heaving sob against his chest and the tears against his skin. Jared’s hand grabs a handful of his t-shirt tightly and refuses to let go, not that Jensen would make him. 

They don’t move for a long time, long after Jared’s sobs have subsided to uneven breaths and hiccups, their uneaten food long forgotten. Jensen’s muscles protest at being forced to stay in the same position for so long, and if he’s aching, then he knows Jared must be feeling worse. Jared’s far from alright, but it’s a start. They’re both on the road to something else, something new. 

Somehow, Jensen pulls a worryingly silent Jared to his feet. Sliding his arm around Jared’s waist to support him, and keep his weight off his injured ankle, he leads the younger man to the more comfortable couch. Jared is a puppet, letting himself be moved around by Jensen with no argument. Jensen lowers him down onto the couch and lifts his leg up carefully, propping it up on a cushion on the coffee table. Before sitting down, he grabs a blanket and wraps it around Jared’s sagging shoulders. 

Jensen finds himself surprised when Jared finally speaks. 

“He....he would have liked you.”

Jensen’s lips curl up into a soft smile, “Yeah?”

Jared nods, reaching across to pull Jensen’s hand into his own. “You both make things.... with your hands.” A thumb traces along the scars, the calluses marring Jensen’s skin. “You build furniture....he built cars.” Jared’s fingers thread through Jensen’s. It’s comfortable, intimate, and it calms Jared’s racing brain. “It was like art to him, fitting the pieces together. Nothing made him happier then when he was alone with a car.” 

“I can understand that,” Jensen replies quietly. 

Jared lets out a long shaky sigh, “I wish you could have met him.”

“Me too,” Jensen nods. He’s telling the truth, but it doesn’t stop him from thinking that he and Jared would have never met if Jeff was alive. He swallows down the guilt at thinking such a thought and presses a kiss to Jared’s temple, his lips lingering over the warm skin. 

They talk for hours. Sometimes they talk about their families, Jared divulging more happy memories, whilst Jensen reveals some of his not so happy ones. They talk about every single thing that comes to mind until their voices are hoarse. It’s emotionally exhausting for both of them, but Jensen’s never felt better about himself, and he knows Jared’s started to feel better, the weight lifting from his shoulders. 

Without a clock in sight, Jensen has no idea how much time actually passes, which leaves him surprised when he hears JD’s truck pull up outside the house. He extricates himself from Jared’s embrace and pads over to the door, an excited Sadie following closely behind. 

The first thing he notices when he opens the front door is that something’s not right. He’s normally greeted with a wave of calmness, a laid back happiness that Jensen doesn’t actually mind feeling. Instead there’s worry, fear, and an anxiousness that he’s never associated with JD before. 

JD steps out of the cab and turns to the truck bed without even a glance in Jensen’s direction. Sadie is ignored too as she runs circles around his feet. Grabbing two handfuls of bags, JD strides to the front door, pushes past Jensen and continues on into the kitchen. The bags are dropped unceremoniously onto the counter, and then he turns to collect more. 

Jensen steps into his path, “What’s wrong?” 

JD ‘s eyes darken, “You know there are more important things going on around here? I shouldn’t be wasting my time delivering food to you when you’re perfectly capable of leaving this goddamn fortress of solitude of yours and getting it yourself!”

Jensen catches Jared’s confused look, easily mirroring his own, then turns his attention back to JD. There’s a storm going on inside the older man, and it’s completely throwing Jensen off. “JD? What’s going on?” 

“There are two seventeen year olds lost in the woods, that’s what’s going on! Two local kids went for a hike yesterday, and no-one’s heard from them since. I’m supposed to be out there searching for them, but instead I’m here. So sorry if I’m not my charming self, but the sooner you get your damn food, the sooner I can get back out there and help the search party.”

Jensen holds his hands up in surrender and steps to one side. JD brushes past him and returns thirty seconds later with more bags. He holds his hand out, palm up, towards Jensen, “List?”

Jensen walks calmly across the kitchen and pulls a piece of paper off a pad. JD practically snatches it out of his hand and leaves without another word. Neither of them says anything until the sound of the rumbling engine drifts away in the wind. 

Jensen looks at Jared and sees a strange look pass over the man’s face. “What?”

“Nothing,” Jared shakes his head. “It’s just…”

“Tell me,” he bites out in frustration. 

“It was your powers right? That’s how you found me in the woods?”

Jensen doesn’t confirm or deny it, but the look on his face tells Jared everything he needs to know. 

“So maybe you should be out there looking for them too.”

Jensen splutters at the suggestion and shakes his head, “That’s crazy.”  

“How is it crazy?” Jared asks. “You have an advantage over everyone else who’s searching for them. You can use your powers to find them.”

“I have no control over it, remember? I can’t pick out a certain person’s feelings.”

Jared’s eyes shine with determination, “Well now’s the time to learn, don’t ya think?”        

 

*********

 

Jared watches Jensen pace back and forth across the house for five minutes before he loses patience. “Will you please sit down? You’re making me dizzy”

“I can’t do this, Jay.” Jensen tells him with another shake of his head. He drops his whole body down heavily onto the couch beside Jared and lets his head fall back against the back of the couch, his eyes falling shut. Jared reaches across and runs his fingers through Jensen’s hair, hoping to relax him. 

“Yes, you can, you only think you can’t.”

“My powers are useless; they don’t do anything, apart from give me a headache.”

“That’s not true,” Jared shakes his head. “You found me. I would have died if you hadn’,.” he reminds Jensen. “They’re not a curse, they’re a gift, and you can use that gift to help people. I know you can!”

Jensen sighs heavily and angles his face to the left to look at Jared. “What if I can’t find them?”

His hand slides and cups the side of Jensen’s face, his thumb tracing the contours of Jensen’s cheek bone, “You will.”

“Jay,” Jensen sighs.

“You will!” Jared repeats with more force.

Jensen doesn’t pull away from Jared’s touch, even though he wants to. It’s too much, he doesn’t deserve it, and Jared certainly won’t want to be near him when he fails, let’s two kids die because he can’t even control his own powers. 

His dark thoughts are interrupted by lips pressed against his own. The brief kiss is soft and reassuring, and Jensen can’t help but wonder why this man has so much belief in him. He knows now he has to try, for Jared. 

“Okay?” Jared’s eyes penetrate his own, and Jensen can’t help but shiver. He’s fallen hook, line and sinker for Jared. 

He gives a jerky nod. “Okay,” he answers. 

“Just relax, focus, and breathe in and out slowly.” Jared demonstrates, sucking in slow breaths and exhaling. 

“This isn’t Lamaze, Jay.”

Jared rolls his eyes, “Just do it, okay?”

Jensen closes his eyes and does as he’s told. It’s weird at first, being watched while he breathes. He shuts his eyes tighter and concentrates, focusing on the forest outside the house. With Jared so close, it’s hard to block out his feelings, but when he feels Jared breathe alongside him, focusing on suppressing his own emotions, he feels the freedom to extend his senses out into the forest. 

For two minutes their breathing’s in synch, and just as Jensen is starting to get dizzy, he feels something. It’s weak, but it’s there. His eyes snap open and he stares at Jared with wide, shocked eyes. “I can feel them!”

“Yeah?” Jared smiles widely. 

Jensen clambers off the couch, and Jared watches attentively as he pulls a bag from a closet and fills it with supplies. Blankets, food, water, first aid kit, and the satellite phone Jared brought with him, are all thrown into the bag. Once the bag is ready to go, he pulls a thick jacket on and pushes his feet into his boots. He strides over to Jared in four steps, grabs his face in both hands, and kisses him with everything he has. He lets himself have something he’s denied himself for so long, and deepens the kiss when Jared submits to him, moans low into Jensen’s mouth. Jensen pulls away reluctantly, licks his lips to taste the last remnants of Jared. “Thank you.”

Jared smiles and nods, “You’re welcome.” He pulls Jensen down and places one last chaste kiss on his lips, “Say safe out there.”

Jensen nods, “You too. Don’t forget your pills, and don’t wait up for me.”

Jared rolls his eyes at Jensen’s mothering. “Okay, okay!” 

Jensen steps back and spins, his shoes squeaking on the tiled floor. He can’t help but think about how much his life has changed since the last time he set out into the woods to find someone. He was happy in his bubble, no drama, no dealing with other people’s emotions. He didn’t realise that he was missing anything until Jared came along, and even though he still has so much to learn about Jared, and Jared still has a way to go before feeling like himself again, he knows Jared is it for him. He just hopes Jared wants the same thing, hopes he wants to stay with Jensen. 

He pushes those thoughts to one side when the cabin disappears behind him, and focuses on the missing teenagers. The faintness of the emotions he feels means he’s still got quite a trek. He calms his breathing down and concentrates in pinpointing those feelings again. To his left he can feel the search and rescue team. He can feel their tension, the gnawing fear in their stomachs, the growing realisation that they may not find the teenagers alive. He turns his back on them, and lets their emotions fade into the background like white noise. 

He continues onwards, winding through the maze of trees, until each tree looks like the last, and he loses himself completely. He doesn’t notice which direction he’s going in, just lets the teenagers feelings draw him forwards. The further he walks, the stronger the emotions get, bombarding him like ten foot waves which send him stumbling backwards. 

He pushes on, even when his stomach rumbles loudly and his feet cramp up. He doesn’t have time to rest, not when the teenagers have been out in the forest for so long. Jensen reminds himself over and over again that being able to feel them means they’re still alive, and as long as they’re alive, they have a chance. 

He knows he’s closing in on the couple when his hands start to shake. Unabashed fear comes at him like a tsunami during a hurricane, and he’s unable to avoid being hit at full force by the powerful emotions. He doesn’t need to be an empath to know they’re scared. Anyone would be, being lost and alone in these woods, especially as the light begins to fade. At night, the woods are downright terrifying with menacing shadows and strange noises, the same tall trees sending you around in circles, wearing you out like a predator. Not to mention most teens have seen every Blair witch remake out in the cinemas, and an overactive imagination can play nasty tricks on you. 

His head is light, and his whole body feels slow and clumsy, like he’s drunk on emotion. The more he concentrates, the heavier his limbs feel. With his energy levels depleted, his feet slide across the forest floor, kicking up leaves as he goes. He doesn’t see the tree root sticking up out of the ground, not until his foot hooks underneath it and sends him tumbling. His reactions are too slow to stop his fall, and he lands face down in the dirt, his right arm trapped underneath him painfully. 

He’s dazed and confused when he rolls over onto his back. Cradling his arm to his chest, he blinks and stares up at the dark grey sky, the almost black trees that glare down at him. Everything feels so surreal that Jensen begins to doubt whether he is conscious or not. Especially when he hears a voice calling to him that sounds suspiciously like Jared’s . 

“Jensen.”

There’s only one explanation for it, he must have hit his head on the way down. Lifting his uninjured hand up to his head, he searches for the bump he knows is there. A wince escapes his lips when he presses too hard. He closes his eyes, breathes in and out slowly, and counts to ten, trying to suppress the wave of nausea. 

“Get up Jen, those kids’re relying on you...come on, get up”

“Fuck!” he groans. 

“Get up!” The voice orders, like a pissed off drill sergeant. 

He does what he’s told. He pulls himself to his feet with jerky movements, trying to move his wrist as little as possible. It isn’t broken, he has enough experience to know that, but it’s definitely sprained. Hauling his body back upright exhausts him quickly, and he can’t move on until he catches his breath. 

It’s almost completely dark now, and Jensen kicks himself for forgetting to pack a flashlight. He doesn’t know how much time has passed but it feels like an eternity. He puts one foot in front of the other slowly, depending on his empathy and his knowledge of the forest to guide him. With his left arm tucked into his body, he stretches out his right hand in front of him so he doesn’t walk into a tree. With the luck he’s having, it’s a strong possibility. 

There’s a rustling sound to his left, and he whips his head around sharply, regretting it instantly as pain shoots down his spine.  The wind picks up and blows straight at him, forcing him back a step. It’s enough to make him shiver and wrap his coat around him more tightly. There’s another sound, this time to his right, and he doesn’t make the same mistake twice. He finds himself moving towards the strange noise, and as he gets closer, he realises the noise isn’t the wind, or an animal, but a girl crying. Jensen finds himself getting choked up as the emotions overtake him. 

“Hello?” He shouts out, his voice cracking. It echoes through the trees before being stolen by the wind. “Hello?” He tries again. 

“Help!” he hears in reply. It’s weak and shaky, but it’s close. 

His heart beats faster with adrenaline as he increases his speed. “Keep talking!”

“Help! Please, we’re over here!”

Jensen follows the voice down a steep slope. “Where are you?”

“Here!” Over here!”  

Jensen takes five steps forward, drops down into a second ditch and comes face to face with a young teenager. Even in the poor light, he can see she’s cradling a boy’s head in her lap, and that the boy’s unconscious. 

“Thank God!” The girl cries, wiping away at the tears with the back of her hand.  

The fear is replaced with shock and relief. He’s found them; he can’t believe he’s found them. The only thing he’s had to hold onto is Jared’s belief in him, Jared’s belief in his powers. He blinks slowly and smiles. Jared may be right, maybe his powers aren’t such a curse after all.  He drops to his knees, pulls the bag from his shoulders, and starts pulling out his supplies. “I’m Jensen,” he introduces himself, glancing up at the young girl. He throws one blanket over the unconscious boy and the other over the girl’s shoulders. She grabs each end and pulls it tighter around her shoulders. Jensen pulls his jacket off, ignoring the cool wind, and rolls it up into a ball. The girl cradles the boy’s head gently and then slips her hands away, letting Jensen push the make-shift pillow under his head. 

“Carrie.” The girl replies, sniffing loudly, “And this is Will.” Jensen hands Carrie the cereal bars he packed and the canister of water. She takes two greedy gulps, and practically inhales one of the bars. “I’ve hurt my ankle, and Will keeps dipping in and out of consciousness. Something’s really wrong with him, I know it.”

 “It’s okay, help will be here soon, I promise.” He says, hoping to calm the girl down. 

His hand reaches into the bag and pulls out the satellite phone. With the GPS in the other hand, he dials JD’s number. It rings twice before it’s answered. 

“What?” JD barks down the phone. 

Jensen lets out a long breath before answering, “I found them.” 

He hears heavy breathing, and frowns when JD doesn’t say a word, “Did you hear? I fou…”

“Where are you?” JD interrupts. 

Jensen hands over the co-ordinates. “Get here quickly okay?”

“We’re twenty minutes from you, just hold on.”

Jensen lowers his voice, glancing at Carrie surreptitiously, “You might want to call for a helicopter too. The boy, he’s not looking so good.”

There’s another long pause, “...Yeah, okay.” Jensen ends the call and turns back to Carrie. He’s got twenty minutes of time to fill, twenty minutes to keep the girl distracted until more help arrives. Jensen’s experience of teenage girls is six years of high school over ten years ago, and he wasn’t exactly enamoured with them back then. Girls, especially of the teenage variety, are an enigma to him. 

He clears his throat, “So....what happened?” 

“It’s all my fault,” Carrie sniffs and huddles further into the blanket, drawing her knees up and wrapping her arms and the blanket around them.  “I dragged Will into the woods so I could take some photos of this stupid rare bird, and of course, like the idiot I am, I forgot to pack a map.” She shakes her head and reveals her guilt to Jensen. “It got dark really quickly. Will was trying to get us back home, next thing I know, he’s falling. God, the sound he made when he landed.” She shivers uncontrollably, “When I climbed down to see if he was okay, I slipped and twisted my ankle.” 

Carrie continues to cry as she speaks. She hiccups and whimpers, and even though Jensen can’t see the tears rolling down her cheeks, he can feel them.  “Is he going....is it serious?”

Jensen can’t lie to the girl, and he looks back at her with a grim expression “Yeah, it’s serious, he needs a hospital.”

She blinks slowly and her head drops, letting it rest on her knees, “Oh.”

“It’s not your fault you know,” Jensen tries. 

“I’m the one who wanted to go out into the forest; Will didn’t even want to come. I should have remembered a damn map or a phone. Something.”

“It was an accident,” Jensen reminds her, suddenly feeling the need to help her understand that there’s no room for guilt or blame right now. “These things happen.” He sucks in a breath and continues, “You’re young and you’re going to make mistakes. You can’t control life, no matter how much you want to.”

His heart beats faster as he realises he’s not talking to Carrie anymore, he’s talking to himself. He’s been carrying the guilt of what he’s done for so long, and has been punishing himself, forcing himself to live a life alone with no friends, no connections. He’d lost so much of himself in that one moment when he let his dick control his powers, and because of it, he lost all trust in himself and his abilities. Jared is proof that he can be with someone and know that they want to be with him in return, and sitting here with Carrie is proof that his empathy can be used for good, can actually help people. 

He blinks out of his own deep thoughts with the realisation that Carrie hasn’t replied. “Carrie?” There’s no answer. “Carrie!” He reaches across and shakes her shoulder gently. 

“I’m t’red,” she mumbles.

“No, no, no.” Jensen shakes her harder. “You’ve got to stay awake for me, okay?” Even with the blanket around her, she’s still cold to the touch, and he slides in next to her and wraps his arms around her, using his body heat to generate warmth. “Talk to me Carrie.” He can’t help but worry at the incoherent reply he gets and he pulls her in tighter. “Hey! Come on, wake up!” He slaps her cheek gently and reaches for the water canister to give her something to drink. “Tell me about Will. Is he your boyfriend?”

Carrie nods slowly, her head lolling heavily onto Jensen’s shoulder. “Four months.”

“You met at school?”

“We have his’ory together,” she slurs. 

“History, huh? You enjoy history?” Jensen asks. It’s a stupid question. No teenager enjoys history, but his mind is too preoccupied in keeping them all alive to think about asking interesting questions. 

“Prefer art.”

“Yeah, I like art too.”

Jensen feels Carrie relaxing against him and she lets out a sigh, “You live out here?”

“Yeah, yeah I do.”

“Alone?”

“I was...for a long time.”

“Was?” She repeats. 

“There’s this...there’s Jared, I don’t know.” Jensen frowns. “He kinda turned up on my doorstep and didn’t leave.” Jensen has no idea why he’s telling a sixteen year old all about Jared, but he can’t seem to stop himself. It’s not like he’s hiding Jared, or ashamed of his sexuality. It’s just...new and different, and completely scary. “Like a big damn puppy.”

Jensen feels her smile, “That’s nice.”

“Maybe,” Jensen says, his lips so numb from the cold that he can barely feel himself pronouncing the word. 

There’s rustling sounds, voices in the distance. Jensen’s head whips round, and through narrowed eyes he spots white pinprick lights moving towards them. Flashlights....help. 

“Hey!” he shouts at the top of his lungs. “Over here!” His heart starts to race again. He can’t be sure they’ve heard him, and they can’t wait any longer to be found. A light bulb goes off in his head. “Carrie, your bag, where is it?” She reaches blindly in the thick piles of leaves for her bag. “Your camera, give me your camera.” With slow hands and clumsy fingers, she reaches into the bag and pulls out the large digital camera. 

“What are you doing?” She asks as she hands it over. 

“Creating a beacon,” he replies. He flicks the camera on, opens the flash, and starts taking photos in the direction of the lights. Every few seconds, he presses the button again, and the flash lights the forest like lightening for a split second. “Over here!” he shouts again, pressing the button again and again in the direction of the rescuers. “We’re here!”

“We’re coming, hold on!” A voice replies, echoing through the trees towards him. Jensen hears boots running towards them, and the voices grow louder, until they’re completely on top of them. Figures surround them, and Jensen relaxes. Every taut muscle holding him together contracts and then relaxes, and he’s almost high with relief, the feeling flooding into him from every rescuer. 

Jensen brings the camera down to his lap and looks up at JD. “I found them,” he breathes.        

 

*********

 

After that, everything happens quickly, passing a dazed Jensen by completely. He’s slumped back, using the earth incline to support him as people work around him. People talk, orders are barked, but not a single word sinks in. He winces when a torch passes over his eyes as the group work quickly around the two injured teenagers. 

A stretcher is built around the unconscious boy, whilst another member of the rescue team gets to work strapping up Carrie’s ankle. It’s obviously not broken, maybe sprained, like his wrist. A man and a younger woman, clearly trained medical professionals, kneel beside Will’s supine body, strapping him up tightly, attaching a bag of fluids to him, and injecting drugs to try to help keep him alive until they can get him to the hospital. By car, the hospital is a good couple of hours away at least, but by helicopter it shouldn’t take more than twenty minutes. 

He feels JD’s worry turned in his direction, knows he keeps looking over to see if he’s okay, but Jensen’s too tired to call him on it. All he wants to do is get home and crawl into bed, hopefully with Jared wrapped around him, and then sleep for a week. 

“Ready?” JD aims his question at the team, and quickly receives nods and yeses. “The clearing is a mild and a half south, we’re going to double time it. Hopefully, the ‘copter will be waiting for us when we arrive.” 

Jensen doesn’t know a lot about JD, only what the older man has told him, and their conversation has always stayed far from personal subjects, but Jensen can suddenly picture a much younger JD in military combats, silver dog tags hung around his neck, and a platoon of new recruits looking to him for guidance. JD has an air of authority, has a voice made for barking orders, things which only come from serving in the Forces. 

“Johnson, you lead the way. Try and keep us on even terrain.” He says to a man clutching a map tightly in his left hand. The man nods sharply and stares down at the map, his head torch illuminating the creased picture.  “Doc, you and Harley stay with Will.” It’s a redundant order, there’s no way Doctor Peters will take his eyes off the seriously ill teenager for one second. 

Jensen blinks in surprise as the next order is barked in his direction. “Jensen, you help Carrie. The rest of us will carry the stretcher.” He claps his hands together and it echoes, “Let’s go then.” 

Jensen scrambles to his feet, feeling every muscle in his body protest. He bites back a moan and stumbles three steps forward until he’s standing over Carrie. She’s a lot calmer than she was when Jensen first found her, but Jensen can see she’s exhausted. She just wants it all to be over and he smiles down at her sympathetically. They’ve still got a long journey ahead of them. He holds out both hands and she takes them without hesitation. With all his leftover strength, he pulls her to her feet. She struggles, trying to balance on her good foot. “It’s okay, let me take the weight.” Jensen slides his arm around her waist and pulls her into his side tightly. He feels her relax against him. “We work together, and it’ll be a piece of cake,” he reassures her. 

Two slow awkward steps forward, and Jensen realises it’s not going to work. Carrie is in pain still, and she’s too tired to concentrate, and if they only move at this speed, they’ll be left behind. The stretcher is already twenty feet away, and moving further away fast. “Jensen?” Carrie’s wide glistening eyes stare up at him questioningly. 

“Wrap your arms around my neck,” he tells her 

She shoots him a look of confusion, but does what she’s told, linking her fingers together tightly at the back of his neck. When he knows she’s secure, he dips down and slides one arm underneath her knees. She gasps slightly as he lifts her up and holds her against his chest. Jensen ignores the pain shooting up his arm and pushes forward to rejoin the team. 

With his right hand gripping the stretcher, JD looks to his left and raises an eyebrow at Jensen and Carrie, her head tucked into his shoulder. “You okay?” He asks. 

Jensen nods, “Yeah, I’m okay,” She’s not that heavy, but the combination of his sprained wrist and exhaustion means that, even after a few minutes of carrying Carrie his arms start to ache. He digs down deep into his last stores of energy, juts out his lip stubbornly, and holds Carrie tighter. He’s not going to let her down. 

At the faster pace they make it to the large clearing within fifteen minutes. From the moment the propellers start up, everything else speeds up alongside it. Within moments, Will’s stretcher slides into the back of the helicopter, and Jensen helps Carrie climb in beside him. Doctor Peters follows after her and the door is slammed shut. Everyone backs away from the helicopter at a run, unable to stop the downdraft whipping up hair and clothing. It’s so loud that Jensen’s ears pop, and he’s unable to remove the grimace from his face until the helicopter is long out of sight. The swaying tree branches finally become motionless, and it’s all over. If it wasn’t for JD’s firm hand on his back, Jensen would have dropped to the ground like a ton of bricks.

It’s a long trek back to the road where the rescue team have left their cars. By that time, everyone’s cold, muddy and starving. The only thing keeping them upright is the adrenaline and the knowledge that they’ve saved the two young teenagers. JD had called the two anxious families on the way back to the cars, and Jensen heard the tears of happiness, the gratitude sent JD’s way, which was quickly brushed off. None of the team did it for the glory; they did it to save lives. 

Jensen climbs into the passenger side of JD’s truck. It’s just as cold inside as it is out, and Jensen tries to pull his jacket around him tighter, only to remember he’s left it on the forest floor. JD drops into the seat beside Jensen with a weary sigh, and pulls the door shut behind him with a bang. Jensen jumps at the sound, knocking his wrist in the process, and he winces. He wraps his other hand around his wrist and rubs it gently. 

“You done something to your wrist?” JD asks, noticing the way Jensen is holding his arm against his chest. 

“It’s nothing, just fell over in the woods.”

 “It’s not nothing; I’m taking you to the hospital to get it checked out.”

“No!” Jensen snaps.  JD blinks at him, surprised by the sudden outburst.  “No hospitals. I’m  fine, really. It’s not broken.”

“You can’t be sure, Jensen.”

“I’m not going to hospital. I’ll get out and walk home if I have to,” Jensen threatens, even though he knows he doesn’t have the energy to do it. 

“Fine,” JD sighs again, holding his hands up in defeat. “I’ll take you home, but I’m coming to check on both you and Jared in a couple of days.” He pushes the key into the ignition and starts the car. 

Jensen rolls his eyes. “Yes mother,” he replies dryly. 

With a glance at the digital clock on the dashboard, Jensen sees it’s past three am when JD pulls into his driveway. His eyelids feel like lead weights, and even the thought of the distance between the car and his bed upstairs drains him. 

“Tell me something Jensen,” JD says as Jensen is halfway out the door. 

“What?” Jensen croaks, turning to face JD. 

“How did you find them?”

Jensen’s head turns towards the dark house; he thinks of Jared asleep in the solitary bed. He couldn’t have found them without Jared, and he smiles at the thought. Without Jared's belief in him and his powers, he would have given up.  It was Jared who pushed him on, it was Jared who’d pulled him to his feet when he was on the ground, and it was the thought of Jared that helped him keep a tight hold of Carrie. He will be forever grateful to Jared for showing him that his powers can be used for good. He’s shown Jensen that living alone isn’t living, has taught Jensen he doesn’t have to be afraid of other people’s emotions.  “Just had a feeling,” he replies cryptically, unable to stop the smile spreading across his face. 

Jensen hasn’t answered JD’s question, and they both know it. JD knows he’s not going to get a straight answer out of Jensen, not now anyway. He bids Jensen goodnight and reverses away. The headlights light up the woods with dramatic shadows as he turns the car. Jensen’s turned back to the house long before the lights disappear into the trees. 

The unlocked door slides open easily, and he steps over the threshold and closes the door behind him as quietly as possible. Sadie lifts her head up, her body curled tightly in her bed, and lowers it again a moment later when she sees it’s just her master, and not an intruder. She’s back to sleep and snoring within seconds. 

Jensen climbs the stairs at a snail’s pace, then steps into the bedroom. Even in the darkness he can make out the lump under the covers that can only be Jared. He smiles, realising how much he likes coming home to find Jared asleep in his bed. He yanks off his shirt, shucks off his jeans and boots, and climbs into bed, pulling the warm covers over him. 

He can’t help the grin that splits his face when Jared unconsciously presses up alongside Jensen’s back and wraps an arm around his waist. Jared is a furnace, and it doesn’t take Jensen long to warm up. Jensen rests his own hand on top of Jared's, threading their fingers together, and as soon as he closes his eyes, he’s asleep. 

 

*********

 

When Jensen wakes up, he’s lying on his other side, Jared’s body pressed so close their noses touch. He pulls back just enough for his eyes to focus on Jared’s. 

“Morning,” Jared greets with a smile, his voice low and husky from sleep. 

“Morning,” Jensen returns with ease. 

Jared’s hot hand runs up and down Jensen’s back, his fingers teasing the hem of his t-shirt, and touching the warm skin at the small of his back, sending shivers down Jensen’s spine. 

“I knew you could do it.” Jared’s smile transforms into a wide grin. 

Jensen doesn’t question how Jared knows; it’s probably written all over his face. “Thanks to you.”

Jared shakes his head, “It was all you.”

“I guess we’re going to have to agree to disagree there.” Jensen gasps as Jared rolls them until Jensen is on his back, and Jared is laid out on top of him from head to toe. “I think you deserve a reward.” Jared tells him.

“Uh huh?” Jensen loses all ability to form a coherent sentence with Jared pressing him into the mattress. 

Jared presses his forehead to Jensen’s. “Tell me you want this?” He breathes softly. 

Jensen sucks in a shaky breath. “I want this,” he reveals, using his eyes to let Jared know he’s telling the truth. 

Jared doesn’t hesitate. Before Jensen can exhale, he feels lips against his, pressed hard, demanding. Jensen submits, revelling in Jared surrounding him, taking what he’s wanted since they first laid eyes on each other. He parts his legs, letting Jared settle comfortably between them, and lifts his hands to press at Jared’s waist, ignoring his bad wrist in favour of making Jared feel good. 

Jensen feels the rumble of Jared’s moan against him, and smiles against his lips. Jared might be in control, but that doesn’t stop Jensen from having a little fun. He pulls his lips away, wanting to slow everything down. They have all the time in the world, and he isn’t going to let Jared turn this into a desperate fuck. It’s then that he realises there’s one other thing stopping them from going any further. 

“Wait!” He swallows and licks his lips. “I don’t have any condoms, lube.” It wasn’t like he had much need for either, living on his own for so long. 

Jared blushes. “I kinda added a couple of things to your shopping list when I was in town.” Jensen’s eyebrows rise into his hairline, amazed at how sure Jared was that they would end up in bed together at some point. “I didn’t know it was a sure thing,” Jared quickly adds, like he’s reading Jensen’s mind. “Was just in case.”

“It’s okay,” Jensen’s hands slide around and wrap around Jared’s waist firmly. “I believe you.”

“I uh....put them in the top drawer,” Jared face turns completely red. 

Jensen reaches back blindly, unable to keep his eyes off Jared as he fumbles around for the lube and condoms. His hand finds the tube first, and throws it onto the bed before returning to find the box. 

“Are we? I mean, I’m...whatever is...I can...you know, or you, if you want?” Jared tries to speak, but it just comes out in fractured sentences.

 Thankfully, Jensen knows what he’s asking. “Me,” he replies, “I want you in me.”

“Fuck!” Jared groans, the thought of being inside Jensen nearly sending him over the edge. He grinds down, rolling his hips slowly. 

Jensen gasps, “Clothes...off, now!” Jensen slides his hands up underneath Jared’s shirt, pushing it up in the process. His fingers trail against taut muscle, unable to resist touching as much skin as possible now he has full access. 

Each piece of clothing comes off slowly, Jared’s t-shirt sliding up and over, Jensen’s own joining it on the floor somewhere. They take the time to explore the newly exposed skin with kisses and soft touches that have them both shaking and moaning in delight. 

Jensen’s heart beats fast in his chest as Jared slides a hand into Jensen’s boxers and pushes them down, just far enough to release Jensen’s erection.  Jensen returns the favour with short gasping breaths, using both hands to push the cotton down Jared’s legs, until it hits the cast around his ankle. 

They both gasp, the pleasure overwhelming as their naked bodies press together. It’s too much, and not enough at the same time, as they can’t stop themselves from rutting against each other. 

“Fuck,” Jensen swears. “Almost forgotten what this feels like.”

Jared grins. “Let me remind you, shall I?” he says, sliding a hand between them to grasp Jensen’s erection. 

Jensen lets out a guttural moan, “Don’t stop.”

“Never,” Jared promises. He slithers down Jensen’s body, keeping his hand moving up and down Jensen’s cock at the same time. His free hand grasps hold of the lube, and he somehow manages to single-handedly squeeze some onto two fingers. “Ready?”

Jensen nods, “Do it.”

Jared prepares Jensen carefully, knowing how long it’s been for the empath. It hasn’t exactly been recent for him either, so he wants to make sure they’re both one hundred percent ready before they go any further. He starts off with gentle touches across Jensen’s hole, pressing just slightly against the tight muscle. He keeps Jensen on the edge with his other hand, stroking Jensen with slow even strokes, swiping his thumb over the leaking head, and spreading the pre-come down Jensen’s length. 

At an almost torturously slow speed, Jared pushes one finger inside Jensen. He’s tight, very tight, but it isn’t long before Jared has Jensen relaxing, has the man a quivering mess underneath him. He adds another, brushing both fingers against Jensen’s prostate to counteract the burn he knows Jensen’s feeling. Jensen bucks and curses like a sailor with every touch, and Jared feels good knowing he’s the one making Jensen feel good. 

“Don’t get so cocky,” Jensen reminds him, and Jared splutters and blushes. He’d forgotten for a moment that Jensen knows exactly what he’s feeling. He can’t help but wonder if the pleasure is doubled for Jensen, feeling not only his own pleasure, but Jared’s too. “Another,” Jensen demands, and Jared does as he’s told, slowly pushing a third finger in to join the other two. He scissors his fingers, twists them until Jensen is loose and wet. “Now...please Jay, now.”

Jared pulls his fingers out sharply, forcing them back in once, twice, before pulling out completely. The sounds Jensen makes go straight to his groin, the desperation, the need to be filled, just as much as Jared needs to be inside Jensen. 

His clumsy fingers struggle with the condom, but with Jensen’s calmer hands they manage to get the condom on and lubed up. Jared slides back up Jensen’s body, resting his hands underneath Jensen’s arms. Jensen spreads his legs even further, pulling his knees up to give Jared full access. Jared can’t believe they’re finally here together. There was a moment when he though he’d never see Jensen again, and now they’re about to take their newborn relationship to the next level. 

“You just going to stare at me all day?” 

Jared blinks, pulls himself out of his own thoughts, and smiles down at Jensen. “This is going to hurt you know.”

Jensen nods, “I know...it’s worth it.” 

Jared reaches in between them and guides his cock to Jensen’s entrance. He teases Jensen, pressing in just an inch and pulling out again. He repeats the process until Jensen is shaking and sweating beneath him. “More...for fuck sake, I need more.”

Jared doesn’t need to be told twice. He pushes in slowly and stops, moving an inch further in a moment later and stopping again. A minute passes before he’s fully seated inside Jensen. He bites his lips at the sensations, the almost too hot, too tight pressure around his cock that starts to melt his brain. 

He waits patiently until Jensen nods, to let him know the worst of the pain has gone, and starts rotating his hips in small circular movements. It’s pure heaven for both of them, the wet slide of skin against latex. Jensen throws his head back, exposing the expanse of sweat slick skin, which is just begging to be licked. Jared licks a stripe up Jensen’s neck, presses kisses along his jaw as he begins to pull out and push back in again at an even tempo. 

With every thrust, the speed increases and the angle changes just slightly, pressing the tip of Jared’s cock into Jensen’s prostate continuously. Jensen’s whole body arches, his legs wrap around Jared’s waist, pulling Jared in even deeper, and his eyes slam shut as the pressure coils inside him, the pleasure increasing twice as fast, feeling Jared’s pleasure spurring him on. With a long groan and a hitched breath, he comes hard between them, his body jerking with every spurt across his chest. His muscles contract, pulling Jared’s cock in and holding it in a vice like grip, until Jared follows Jensen over the edge, coming equally hard into the condom. 

Jared drops down onto Jensen with a huff, still intimately connected. He ignores the wetness between them and tries to get his breath back. Reluctantly, Jensen unwraps his legs and lets Jared slide out of his reddened hole. He hisses at the soreness and Jared sends him a guilty look. 

“No,” Jensen shakes his head, “It’s okay, really.” He lifts his head up and presses a kiss to Jared’s lips. Jared cups Jensen’s face and keeps the kiss lazy and soft, until their lips are bruised and swollen. He drops to Jensen’s side and disposes of the used condom quickly. 

With Jared unable to move around without his crutches still, it’s up to Jensen to get something to clean them off with. On wobbly legs, he waddles across the room and returns with a wet towel. He reaches over and cleans Jared’s softened and sensitive length gently before wiping himself down. He throws the dirty towel in the direction of the bathroom and settles back down beside Jared. A contented sigh escapes his lips as he presses into Jared’s side, resting his head on his shoulder. He listens to Jared’s racing heart and sighs. It’s been a long time, too long since he’s felt this happy. He always wants to feel this way. 

“Stay.” He blurts out. 

Jared snorts, “Where else am I gonna go?”

“No,” Jensen presses his palm to Jared’s hot skin, just over his heart. “After the cast comes off, don’t go.”

Jared just presses a kiss to the top of Jensen’s head. He doesn’t need to think about it. He’s got nothing holding but a crappy job waiting for him. He smiles at the image of a new life, making a fresh start with Jensen. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Jensen still has a long road to travel before he fully accepts his role in this life, and Jared will grieve for a man who’d been both a brother and a father to him for a long time. But as he felt Jared curl around him, and as he felt the tug of sleep pulling him under, the only thing Jensen felt deep down was the promise of a new beginning.

      

 *************

 

Jared doesn’t know what he’s feeling. Not here, standing by the lake, polished wooden box held in his arms.  Everything is just a jumbled mess of emotions inside him, and he looks to Jensen for answers. He feels Jensen’s hand on his back, firm, comforting, but Jensen doesn’t say anything, knowing better than Jared that he doesn’t need to put names to what he’s feeling, he just has to feel it. 

It’s been a long wait for this moment, a long six weeks in a cast and a long month after that building his strength back. He knows he couldn’t have done it without Jensen. Jensen has been a strong force beside him, keeping him patient, teaching him it’s okay to grieve, that it’s okay to hate your brother for leaving you all alone, and to love him, and miss him so much it hurts, all at the same time. 

Jared had returned from having his cast off and from retrieving his abandoned car, to find Jensen at the table, a large map spread out over the surface. 

“What’s that for?”

“Cedar Lake,” Jensen hadn’t needed to explain any more than that, and Jared couldn’t resist kissing the air from Jensen’s lungs. 

It’s eerily quiet at the lake, the water sheltered enough by the mountains and trees to keep it calm and quiet. It’s still early in the morning when they reach the water’s edge, the sun only just peeking out over the top of the mountains, the air still cool enough to force Jensen and Jared into thick jumpers. The leaves on the trees have just started to turn, and everywhere the eye can see there’re bright greens mixing with yellows and oranges. 

He’s been here before, he knows but doesn’t remember. Nothing looks familiar, and he’s wished so hard that the view would bring those memories back. He remembers so little about his father and this is one memory he wants. 

“Do you remember when dad took us ...camping? It must have been... only a couple of months before the car accident. We went up into the mountains....Dad found this lake, middle of...nowhere, absolutely silent, just you me and him for... three days.”

Jared’s eyes slide shut and his throat closes up. 

“I was so happy, so content...I don’t think I've been as happy as I was then.”

With a trembling hand he lifts the lid off the box, unable to take his eyes off the dark grey ash inside. “Hi Jeff” He laughs emptily at the ridiculousness of talking to a box of ash, and instead looks up to the lake. “I made a promise. Sorry it took me so long to get here.” He glances in Jensen’s direction “Had something to do first, something important to learn.” 

“I know you were worried about me, leaving me alone. I guess this was your way of making sure I wasn’t, right?” A thin smile spreads across this face. “You’ve been protecting me, looking out for me your entire life, and even now you’re gone, it feels like you’re still watching over me. But it’s okay now, you can rest now.”

“I love you.” A tear escapes his eye as he steps towards the lake, stopping only when the tips of his shoes skim the clear cold water. “Be happy.” He pulls the box back behind him and throws it into the air with everything he has. They watch wordlessly as it flies across the water, leaving a trail of ash in its wake. It lands with a splash, the wood rising to the surface a moment later. It lands on its side and Jensen takes Jared’s hand in his as the box fills with water and sinks quickly out of sight. 

“How are you feeling?” Jensen asks a moment later. 

Jared licks his lips and raises his free hand to wipe away the moisture. “You tell me.”

“No.” Jensen shakes his head, “I won’t.” It can’t possibly work between them if Jensen tells Jared what he’s feeling all the time. It’ll only frustrate Jared. “You have to tell me. I’m not taking that away from you.”

Jared nods slowly, understanding, “I’ll tell you when I know myself.”

“Okay,” Jensen slides both arms around Jared’s waist and pulls them together. “There’s something you should know.”

Jared sighs, “What’s that?”

“It’s about my abilities.”

“Let me guess, you’re allergic to kryptonite?”

Jensen huffs and shakes his head, “No, not that.”

Jared pulls away enough to look Jensen in the eyes, sees a seriousness in them that has Jared worried, “Then what?”

“There’s a reason why I can’t force emotions on you.”

“I thought...” Jared frowns and swallows hard.  “What is it? What’s the reason?”

Jensen sucks in a deep breath, steeling himself for what was about to come, “My telempathy, it doesn’t work on other psychics, it never has.” 

Jared’s frown deepens as he tries to understand what Jensen’s telling him. “It doesn’t work on...” He freezes and his eyes widen. 

Jensen continues, “It didn’t occur to me at first, it’s not like your powers are obvious. I’ve never been able to manipulate other psychics, only read their emotions,. It’s the only explanation for why I can’t...you know.”

Everything slots into place for the first time and there’s a loud buzzing in his ears. His heart beats faster and his hands shake, “I’m a...?” He can’t even say the word. 

Jensen smiles up at him, runs his hands up and down Jared’s back in a calming gesture. He knows from experience how hard it is to take information like this, “It’s those damn puppy dog eyes of yours, you know? You got me talking to you about things I’ve never told anyone, and you did the same to JD. He told me how hard it was to resist your charms. There’s a reason people can’t help but tell you the truth, Jay.” 

He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what to think. His eyes meet Jensen’s, and he sees a new strength shining back at him. 

“It’s alright, Jay. I’ll help you through this, we can learn together.”

Jared knows he’s telling the truth, and he relaxes into Jensen’s embrace.  He’s never thought much of it. Yes, people seemed to tell him the truth more than not; he’s just always thought he has a trustworthy face; that people want to confide their secrets to him. He’s never even considered another other possibility. 

“Fuck.”  

**Author's Note:**

> the references to non-con - Jensen explains to Jared that as an telempath he once used his abilities to manipulate a man into bed with him.


End file.
